All my life...family, friends, people told me i was skinny and i was happy...well at least i didn't have to look into it...however now its completely difference...i can't have one person who doesn't tell me that i haven't gained weight...in the beginning it was fine...i was like yeah i gained weight so what...people do that...but i realized that i kept gaining...and what killed it the most is that i started getting stretch marks...most people get stretch marks because they are looking weight...in my case i'm getting stress marks cause i'm gaining and my body can't help it...i know people tell me that i have the right amount of meet but damn it...it just doesn't feel right to me or to my body...with my friend i made a plan to officially go to the gym...and its been working out great...we have been going regularly and i can see my body changing...however i also told myself that i would always eat healthy to keep my body healthy...but i must say that i clearly failed to do that to...and i know i'm destroying myself... but i can't help it...my portion of my meal has shrunk significantly....sometimes i skip meals...and even though my body is hungry...i can only eat a little and i can barely eat more then that...and if i push myself i am started to feel sick...and just want to throw it all back up...i don't think my body is reacting that way...but its more of a psychological thing...because i realize that i'm full and i realized its going to make me gain weight...i feel like i need to get rid of it...however that shouldn't be the case...because you need food for your body....I NEED FOOD FOR MY BODY...but i can't help it...i officially feel like i'm a girl who is becoming image obsessed....its horrible...and i am completely hating it...however i don't want to stop...i want to keep going...i want to reach my goal of a bikini bod...i'm sick of people telling me that i gained...each time i see people after a long time...i know i should care what people think of my body...and i know that its not in the place to judge my body weight...i can gain and i can lose...who are they to comment on it...however...i can't let myself to think like that...i feel like i need to make a change...and i feel like i need to make a difference...i feel like i need to get all those people who said i gained weight to say i lost weight...i ain't no overweight person...most people would probably look at me and be like you have the right nice body...but i look at myself and be like i don't have a bikini bod...that i see in the magazine...and i know those are airbrushed and tweaked...but fuck it...who ever really looks at that and satisfies themselves...but what makes those magazine more real is that i can see it at the gym...i see people who actually have those type of bodies at the gym...so its clearly achievable without airbrush and technology....seeing that its possible...i want to achieve it...however i need to start eating healthy...because i kill myself over it...
This obsession needs to stop...its unhealthy and its not good...i need to let myself realize that there is more to self image then starvation or hating food...to obtain the type of body i need to eat healthy and exercise...and that alone will be the biggest help my body can get to get where i want to be...but to convince myself of that is difficult...because i am officially OBSESSED with my BODY IMAGE!!!
