Damn

Shows I watch:

HOUSE

The Mentalist

How I Met Your Mother

Mad Love

The Killing

Law and Order: SVU

CSI: Miami

Gossip Girl

True Blood

Entourage

Mad Men

Dedicated to me

In the latest of night, I think to myself..what will come of my existence.But the dizziness provided by a days worth of exhaustion, falters the thought process which halts before the question is answered.I awake having more knowledge then Yesterday, but still without answer.And tonight,I will retire with one question more then yesterday.Maybe it is a simple Nothing. But most people naturally like to complicate things.

~EnnaDa NaanRaja~

Speecless

My weaknesses are not my flaws. My flaws are not my failures. My failures are not my mistakes. My mistakes are not my problem. My problem is not my Life. and My life is not my purpose. My purpose....? My purpose is just to breathe live love give dance sing save change.My purpose is My Choice. And I choose to the be the voice of silence. My purpose is Sound.

~EnnaDa NaanRaja~

obsessed

i think i'm becoming obsessed...i can't help it...it started of slow...i knew i had to start slow...it was certainly not going to happen overnight but it damn it...what started small now is becoming more and more powerful...and its starting to slowly eat at me...because i can't stop thinking about it...i can't take it out of my mind...i can't push it out of my mind...that's all i'm thinking about....i'm trying to just keep thinking of how i can improve it...how i can push it forward ...to speed up the process...because i honestly don't want to wait this time...i kept telling myself to take it slow...and that eventually i'm get to where i want to be...but this time its different...i just want it now and i want it badly...i'm sick of feeling the way i do...and i hate how i can't face myself to it either...but i realized that what i'm doing is unhealthy for my body and mind...because its becoming an obsession...and i seriously need to stop!...

All my life...family, friends, people told me i was skinny and i was happy...well at least i didn't have to look into it...however now its completely difference...i can't have one person who doesn't tell me that i haven't gained weight...in the beginning it was fine...i was like yeah i gained weight so what...people do that...but i realized that i kept gaining...and what killed it the most is that i started getting stretch marks...most people get stretch marks because they are looking weight...in my case i'm getting stress marks cause i'm gaining and my body can't help it...i know people tell me that i have the right amount of meet but damn it...it just doesn't feel right to me or to my body...with my friend i made a plan to officially go to the gym...and its been working out great...we have been going regularly and i can see my body changing...however i also told myself that i would always eat healthy to keep my body healthy...but i must say that i clearly failed to do that to...and i know i'm destroying myself... but i can't help it...my portion of my meal has shrunk significantly....sometimes i skip meals...and even though my body is hungry...i can only eat a little and i can barely eat more then that...and if i push myself i am started to feel sick...and just want to throw it all back up...i don't think my body is reacting that way...but its more of a psychological thing...because i realize that i'm full and i realized its going to make me gain weight...i feel like i need to get rid of it...however that shouldn't be the case...because you need food for your body....I NEED FOOD FOR MY BODY...but i can't help it...i officially feel like i'm a girl who is becoming image obsessed....its horrible...and i am completely hating it...however i don't want to stop...i want to keep going...i want to reach my goal of a bikini bod...i'm sick of people telling me that i gained...each time i see people after a long time...i know i should care what people think of my body...and i know that its not in the place to judge my body weight...i can gain and i can lose...who are they to comment on it...however...i can't let myself to think like that...i feel like i need to make a change...and i feel like i need to make a difference...i feel like i need to get all those people who said i gained weight to say i lost weight...i ain't no overweight person...most people would probably look at me and be like you have the right nice body...but i look at myself and be like i don't have a bikini bod...that i see in the magazine...and i know those are airbrushed and tweaked...but fuck it...who ever really looks at that and satisfies themselves...but what makes those magazine more real is that i can see it at the gym...i see people who actually have those type of bodies at the gym...so its clearly achievable without airbrush and technology....seeing that its possible...i want to achieve it...however i need to start eating healthy...because i kill myself over it...

This obsession needs to stop...its unhealthy and its not good...i need to let myself realize that there is more to self image then starvation or hating food...to obtain the type of body i need to eat healthy and exercise...and that alone will be the biggest help my body can get to get where i want to be...but to convince myself of that is difficult...because i am officially OBSESSED with my BODY IMAGE!!!

its been a while

hmmm...where do i start...i haven't written anything for some time and there is just so much happening...i'm not really sure as to what to write about...well to start of winter semester is coming to an end...so i'm glad...but the summer starts...which means summer school...man can't wait to finish school and get a job and move out...how i long for that to happen...it will soon happen...just got to be patient about it...so i finally made my appointment to retouch my tattoo...and hopefully i get a good quote on my new tattoo that i want to get...with money being tight...i really shouldn't get this new tattoo however i can't help it just because i want to indulge in something for myself...and right now this is what i really want...hopefully it turns out nice...i can't wait to go the gym tomorrow...officially getting addicted...and it feels good...although i'm witnessing micro level of changes in my body....i can see it boosting my confidence in my body image...as sad as that sounds...its the truth...and i can't really alter that...i came to write a lot...but i'm getting sleepy...sooo i'll come another day

Why is it different!!!

There are some things that just annoy me in life...and i can never wrap myself around the situation. This is maybe because i haven't experienced it....maybe thats why i'm having a hard time trying to figure some shit out in life...one of the things that annoy me is the difference between friendship and relationship...i mean at the end of the day both are the same...one is physical and "sweeter" and sweeter can be depicted in two ways...the sweet talk that one gets from the partner and sweet in the sense of a friend being nice and showering you with gifts just because your their friend...but then again its so easy to through a friend away but not a partner...why is that...because the friend isn't having sex with you...is that the reason why its so easy to through a friend is...so at the end of the day what having sex means that you show more affectionate towards that individual...thats what is messed up...because a true friend would probably do just the same about of shit any partner would do for you...but at the end of the day when you argue with your partner its like the world is coming to an end...but when when you fight with your friend...its like meh...whatever...if we patch things up we will...if not then you know what we had some good times...and boom brush the person off...its so sad how the value of friendship is so demeaning now a days...its all about relationships and and love...and lovers and the whole deal...its never about friends...or the power of friends...that's another reason to why i love eminem...he sees the value of friendship...he knows it...he raps it...he fucking understands it...oh man...he is my sole mate i can never be with...but anyways coming back to my annoyance...i mean even in movies...its always the friends that get forgotten for that so called "lover"...like i said my thoughts maybe bias for the reason that i'm single and i haven't been in a relationship...but i'm just putting it out there...this has been in the back of my head for so long...because over the years from highschool...because thats really when it comes into play...its always like that...that friends that come and go...there is always that saying that boys and come and goes but friendship is something that comes to stay...but to be honest...even though boys come and go....so does friendship...but its always that boy get the most importance and devastation out of it....(i'm saying boys in this situation but it can whomever the partner is)....but argh it just gets so frustrating...i've lost so many friends over the years...some that were lost through tragic situations...while some were lost because personality clashed...and some just because they gave other things more importance then the friendship they shared with me...and for those i feel stupid i gave my honor, loyalty and trust towards...because clearly it was a waste of time...that's why in my life now...i choose wisely in who i really want to consider friends and who i do...and frankly there is something i'm ashamed off...sometimes i consider some people friends but the truth is...that is just a name i consider to name the bond that is created between me and that person...but the matter of fact is...your just someone in my life...i share certain aspect of my life...if you were to walk out my life...i don't think i'll cry over it...i don't think i'll be hurt by it...i honestly don't think i would give a fuck...i know i sound so harsh...and i know i sound like bitch but hey i have my reasons to why i became so cold towards the topic of friendship...i created 3 friends in my life...and those are the last of whom i completely devote my life towards....everyone who came after that is just people who entered my life...i'm not saying that i wont make friends...but that individual would go through so many hidden tests that i would put them through to really know if they are worth having my friendship...i ain't going to give 100% to a person who eventually would leave for whatever reason it is...i'm so sick of this crap...friendship has come so fucked up....and then like again the whole of relationship vs friendship...most individual would share the same information with both person...live the same life with both individual...only difference is that with one its a bit more romantic in the sense of physical and "sweetness"...and the other is a bit more difference in the sense of you still have moments that you share and cherish and have that "sweetness"...but then again that one is easy to throw away then the other...man i sound so bitter...its just random things i think about but never put it down on paper...i guess now i have...what difference does it really make...it just there...for the sake of it...

Nothing is wrong with you

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