Peaceful

What a relaxing week...i went away to a cottage for a week and i came back just yesterday...i didn't even want to come back to the city...it was so quiet and peaceful...all you hear every second of the day was the waves...cause my cottage was by the lake...it was so relaxing..unlike the city where you have all these street lamps and cars and pollution...there it was nothing but green...everywhere you go...how nice it felt for your eyes...i would just stand by the dock and just watch the lake for hours...and i never got bored of it...i sat outside and read and admired the sunset...it was to good to be true...by the time i came back i already felt my body tensing up...you know how sad that is...i can't wait to have some money and buy myself a cottage by the lake...i would ran of to that...as often as possible...i love places like this...i mean i love doing it alone too..cause its more relaxing...no one to listen to...no one telling you what to do and what not to do...you just get to watch the nature as it is...and admire the world for what it was really created for...instead of what we created it to be...i got a lot of thinking done however...i came up with no solution...just landed on more confusion...hmmm it has been a week since i talked to him....now i'm starting to worry...because its not like him to not respond for this long...especially when i'm on msn...hmmm i remembered his court hearing was coming around the corner...maybe thats what came this week and he is upset over it...his msn name says..."some of us don't get second chances"....god knows what that means...however even beside worrying on a different level...as a friend i'm worried about what happened...hmmm...i don't like this feeling i'm feeling...this so called burden you come to obtain...when you care about someone...especially when its on a different level...hmmm....or this is happening for a reason...maybe this is for me and him to distance...maybe this is so that we can go our separate ways...hmmm i want him in my life...but without this feeling i have towards him...with out this feeling thats flying between us two...that neither of can't embrace for our own reasons....what is starting to get to me is that all my friends are talking about loved ones and married...and how they want to come and tell their parents about their long time boyfriends and what not....and they seem like they have everything figured out...they are all almost done school...and know what they are going to do with it...and what they are doing with their love lives....get married...and start a life....i mean i chose not to be in a relationship...and that i ain't blaming anyone for...or being envious about...but i just feel like i'm not moving...i just feel like i'm stuck in one position and there is no solution...i am officially starting to hate my job...its slowly starting to give me anxiety...thinking of going to work...but thats my source of income and this job is such a job security....that i don't want to move...but at the same time i know i need to look for a job...because if i'm feeling anxious in a bad way thinking of going to my job thats not good mentally or physically...so once i finish my vacation i'm going to start looking for a new job...i keep saying this but i don't seem to be acting upon it...some times i feel like i can't find my motivation...its like i let it out the window to fly far away from me and never return...this past week while i was at the cottage...i ate so much i think i gained everything back...i need to go back on my diet and my gym...then with school...its even more annoying...because i have two more years to go...and i don't even know if i'm doing a minor...i have no idea what i'm doing...and i need to raise my gpa...so badly cause i dropped instead of gaining...and nothing else is going for me...there is no sign that i'm progressing in my life...i just feel like its just stuck in a spot!....i don't know what i want...i don't know what i need...i have no idea what this life i'm living...it just seems so dead...anyways here are some pictures from my awesome vacation 1:

This picture is stunning...it feels like there is tornado right next the sunset...it was such a beautiful sight to see!...

This is a beautiful picture...i am not really one to be a photographer...but i love this picture that i took because it has the sunset in the back and then it has the single boat along side the trees in the back it was truly beautiful....

Although it is a man made pond...i found it beautiful...just looking at how beautifully the lily pads were spread with the colours and everything...and then you have one flower in the middle of it all...its like it getting all the attention and protection from these lily pads...how she feels like the queen of attention...

Haha...this one is the best...i saw it and instantly i loved how wildly it grew in a random area...how uniform and strong they stood together...it was like nothing can come and take the beauty away...however what is funny about it is that...this field reminded me of the twilight scene when Edward and Bella are in the field...it almost looks exact...haha...

This was a trail that was going towards a small island i guess you can say...but my friends went ahead of me and i didn't want to go cause i wasn't probably dressed for it...i know you think i would be ready...but it was our first day and i didn't get a chance to change...so instead i stood as far as i can go...and i took this random pick...i didn't realize how beautiful it came out....until i uploaded it lolz...but its really nice though...

This is the dock...and i'm taking this pick from the deck of the cottage...this is how close we were to the lake...which made it all the more beautiful...

just another day

so i watched the last song by miley cyrus...yesterday...seriously i don't get why she even bothers to act...like she is just humiliating herself on big screen...dear god she is so bad...that i think i can act better then her...and i never took one drama class in my life...but anyways...the story was a good one...but then again its by Nicholas sparks...although he is one to always have something sad in his stories...so far every single movie or book i read...some dies...or he separates the main couple...i mean the stories are realistic...and its good that he gives more realistic views but at the same time you want some kind of happiness...but i can't hate...he is a good story creator...but i'm not a huge fan of how he writes...it doesn't capture so strongly...its more of just him telling you a story...jodi picoult on the other hand...her books are long and slow but very steady...when you read her books...she leaves no room for you to think of any questions...because she answers it all...she goes beyond just writing a novel...she goes into writing facts and feelings...that completely absorbs you into it...the book i'm reading about the house rules...i'm learning so much about asperger autism..from how the individual feels...to how the family feels...to what they go through...it really is intriguing....i only read two other books by her...and one of which is sister's keeper which is a must read...how touching that story is...i had work today...it was only a four hour shift...so i finished even before i started...then i walked home...the exercise of that day...and then came home downloaded aim...so i can talk to my friend...in the US...caught up with her for a bit...and then watched this movie...called the Greatest...hmm this was an interesting story...it was pretty touching...it was about this boy who dies in car accident...with his girlfriend...the girl survives...only to find out that she is pregnant...and it shows you how the family grieves...and how they treat this girl and yeah a lot of emotions...it was a really nice story...i really liked it...hmmm but yeah...you know what annoys the fuck out of me...when your walking and guys holla at you...especially its the brown ones...whether be west indies....or south Asians...but god damn it...like why holla when your driving...like what are you trying to achieve...like damn it...i swear when they do that i literally want to stop their car drag them out ...and be like WDF DO YOU WANT....or secretly i wish this....i know this is really bad...and god is going to punish me for thinking this...but i wish they go and crash into something...not another car but like a pole or a tree...and i just want to laugh at them...well hopefully they aren't seriously injured or anything but just damage...to teach them a lesson that they should just drive instead of hollering at girls when they are walking...it just drives me up the wall...i mean if you really wanted to get her number there is a lot better way of doing it...other than hollering while she is walking...its so cheap...how they look at a girl...i mean its like what do i look like a fukking HOOKER because i'm walking :S...fukking idiots...oh man...anyways i'm going to go read...

Annoyed!

argh...i'm so annoyed...i can't even stress it enough...i love talking to my friend...she is cool and she is my sister from another mother...but at the same time just like sibling fights or how annoying they get...thats how it can be with me and her too...i mean we start of to going with a good conversation...then she was telling me how she is going to the gym blah blah...and asked me how my weight watching is going...and i was like meh...i'm at the same weight and i go the gym at times...and she like oh i see...and she like oh so what have you done productively this summer...and i was like oh nothing really just worked and bummed around...and i'm like what else is there to do...and she like get your driver's licence...which is true...but its like whatever i'm not in the any rush to get it...i mean even if i get it...i wont be able to drive the car...cuz my parents take it...and its such a waste...for me to drive them to work and drive them back...its waste of time and gas...and she just goes off telling me that there are ways blah blah...its like shut the fuck up....i mean yes i could of gotten it...but i didn't...cause i wanted to use that money to do some more enjoyable things...so its like why does it bother you so much...like i know she means good by it...but like fuck off...i mean i'm sorry that i hitch rides from you....if thats an issue then just tell me...i'll find my own ways...at times i feel like thats the basis at the end of the day...hmmm....**breathe**...then she goes off asking me how my job hunt goes...and i'm like hmm its whatever cuz i'm going out alot this summer...to cottages and to states...so i don't want to look for a job and ask for vacation...its going to be pretty fukked up...and she like well you could of not go to these places and found a job...the whole reason to why i took two months off is so i can FUKKING relax...if i wanted to be STRESSED i could of gone to school...i could of gotten a JOB...but thats not what i wanted...like i'm sorry...she likes always being so stressful...and i don't want be like that...i like my space and time...i'm going to have a hectic year and half coming...and i took 3 years of school non stop...and for ME i wanted a DAMN break...just because your good with doing what u do...doesn't mean everyone else should too...man i feel bad that i'm bashing on her...when i call her my sister...but hey every one pisses you off and annoys you...even your own parents...and its only natural we feel the way we do...it just got to me...its like FUCK MAN....i just wanted to stay THE FUCK HOME and DO nothing....why does it seem to bother her so much...why is that i have to do SOMETHING all the FUCKING time...argh... man so much frustration and annoyance....hmmmm....i can't wait to go to the cottage next week...just a week of relaxation....hmmmm so exciting...gotta start doing laundry and slowly getting ready...not as though there is alot to get ready for...but yeah...

frustrated

i have work at 5:30am tomorrow...and i'm so not looking forward to it...then after that i have to go to the gym....and come home and watch the game...tomorrow is GERMANY vs spain...man this is going to be a tough came...however some dude who predicts these games...who always gets it right said that spain is going to win...and he was only wrong once before...so it makes me question the game tomorrow...however i'm going to hope for the best and really hope that they play a good game...and go into the final...hmmm....i'm pretty frustrated right now...things are going not so great in a lot ways...and its just keeping me in the slump right now...i'm kind of keeping a low profile...just so that i don't snap at someone...and regret it after...sometimes hoping for the best is just not enough to make things better...you just got to let time takes its course...things with that guy is just an add onto my frustration...so its like fuck...i hate it when things just all come at once and it gets you...so much rage inside me...i really need to let them out...but i'm so use to keeping everything to myself...that i don't know how to let it out...but to some degree i like it this way...i like keeping my problems to myself...at the end of the day it is my problem...me sharing my problem with anyone is just a waste...they listen...and listen...then what..."i'm sorry your going through this"...really? is this why i spent the last three hours telling you my problems to hear this from you...and even if they don't say it...i'm pretty darn sure thats what they are thinking...it was funny because one of my friend was telling me this story...and she was expressing her emotions toward the story and everything...how pity she felt for the story...and everything and the SAD part about it is that...exactly the story she shared with me is what has happened in my life...and kinda still happening...but she has no clue about that...and i was happy i never shared my story...because at the end of the day thats all i'm going to get...."PITY"...."oh i feel so bad"...like the fuck with that....i can tell myself that same shit...wow i'm really frustrated...so annoyed now a days...that i just want to snap at everyone...with that in mind...i guess my decision to keep a low profile was smart...it ain't that i wont pick up the phone if someone calls or ...txt back if they txted me...its just that i'm not going out of my own way to text them...i just don't want to txt them and then snap at them to...its like wdf...you txted me and your snapping at me too...its pretty screwed up...so i haven't talked to him in 6 days now...well we kinda talked yesterday morning...but barely...cause i was getting ready to leave...and he was asking me what time i was coming and everything ...and i was like why...and he was like because i want to talk to you...and how he will be coming home early...and all this shit...mind you i ended up coming home early...and i waited online for a bit...and txt him...surprise surprise...no respond to nothing...why the fuck do i even bother....but i'm pretty happy that i'm not talking to me him...because i'm pretty sure i'll be a bitch if i was to talk to him...because i'll be taking out my anger on him...because he already is pissing me off...and i'm pissed of other shit...so its not a good thing but yeah...hmmm anyways i think i'm just going to stop ranting for today...sometimes you wonder why some people are weak...how they cant realize that sometimes you just got say fuck it and move on...it astonishes me how weak and incapable woman can be...how ridiculous they respond to certain situation...hmmm man i can go on this topic forever...and i clearly said i was going to stop ranting...but stupid friend just broke up with her boyfriend...is piss drunk...and is going back to her ex-boyfriends house to sleep...how is that even a good thing...but damn it she wont even listen...man...NO COMMENT!

damn it!

i sit outside for maybe half hour and damn it the mosquitoes just hunt me down...its like damn it why do i have sweet blood...lolz attracting all these things that suck my blood...and none of which is a vampire...haha my obsession with vampires...i know i'm such a creep...lolz oh well...i have work tomorrow and its with the assistant manager that i don't like...because my other assistant manager took this weekend of...today was such a boring day it was unbelievable...it was like O-M-G....i need to get out of here...i hate when you have nothing to do and you have to just stand around..because time just goes by so slow...and your like damn it...lolz...i really need to move on with my life...get away from people who seem to be stuck from the past...i guess by now its obvious who i'm talking about...but yeah...things with him just seems to be so fukked up...its like there is never a solid answer to the situation...but then again its life...so there is never a solid answer to anything...but yeah...he is nothing but false promises...and i hate people who make promises who can't keep it...i understand at times...circumstances prevents you from fulfilling the promises on those occasions its an exception that one does not keep their promise...but its annoying when one just makes promises that can be kept and doesn't keep it for stupid reasons...its like why do you even bother with making promises....its all to make me feel better...but the fuck with that...it doesn't make me feel nothing but more angry when he doesn't keep it...its like W-D-F...like why? :S...i'm just so sick it all...and to think at the end of the day its JUST a friendship...but i'm putting this much effect into it...is it really worth all my time and energy...but at the same time i don't want to move away...i want to keep at it till...i mold him into respecting me the way i want him to...i guess i see that as a challenge...believe me...when i say I FEEL totally STUPID for the way i see this situation...that i need to make it this way...but i guess thats just me trying to make stupid challenges to keep my life a bit interesting...i mean if it gets out of control i WILL back off...but at the time being ...i'm just determined to get what i want...its just i guess exciting...but in the process of this...i'm getting my self caught in a net...and i'm struggling to get myself out of it...because what was once a game seems to be powering me now...so i don't know what the game is no more....i don't know where the buck stops...i guess i just don't like people looking at me so cheaply...like some idiot who no matter what will always be there...because at the back of my head thats what i think he sees me as...i guess this is where my insecurity comes in...i DON"T like being looked at so cheap like...like a pillow to hold the person when they fall...that at the end of the day they can fall and i'll be there...i don't like being used for my caring...and sincerity...its like i ain't a idiot...and this guy seems to be going down that very road of me just snapping the fuck out and just walking away...and never turning back...but GOD gave me a gift or a curse...don't know which way to look at it...but HE gave me PATIENCE...and a lot of it...its surprising how patient i can be...it honestly even scares me...i don't snap fast...but when i do snap...its not pretty...i have done it in the past...none of which i did for myself thats the funny thing...i always did it for someone else...there was only two time i ever snapped at someone for myself...one of which was in grade 8 i believe...when i was in tutoring class...i had a group of friends who i chilled with...and one of the guy in the group was just was annoying me...and i had a orange pop at hand...and this guy was like talking away and was like oh u can't do nothing...and i was like don't tempt me i'll pour this drink on you...and he didn't listen...and he was wearing a BRAND new white sweater...and i took the orange pop and poured it on him...he was so shocked...and i just walked away....the other time was when my cousin pissed me of so much that i didn't talk to her for about 2 years...and when i mean i didn't talk i wouldn't even say a word to her when she came to my house...and she is my blood cousin...but thats the thing i don't get mad very easily because i have a lot of patience...but if you tip me over the end...the consequences are always pretty severe...i'm not really proud of how i function...but then again this is me...people who love me put up with my shit and people who don't...well clearly they aren't in my life for a reason....and this guy is just playing with my patience...but eventually i will snap like that episode in arthur where franchine's head popped...haha i love that show...i can watch it as many times and i still wont get sick of it...lolz i really need to buy the entire collection for that show...but yeah i just have to let this flow the way it does and make a decision as it goes on...i just need to realize that this is NOTHING...but i guess because i'm secretly a very attention craving person and this guy seems to give me the attention i seek...i don't want to move away...but that doesn't give him the reason to treat me so cheap like though hmmm...but yeah...i think i wrote a lot about my confusing state...i'm going to go put my head to rest...