damn it!

i sit outside for maybe half hour and damn it the mosquitoes just hunt me down...its like damn it why do i have sweet blood...lolz attracting all these things that suck my blood...and none of which is a vampire...haha my obsession with vampires...i know i'm such a creep...lolz oh well...i have work tomorrow and its with the assistant manager that i don't like...because my other assistant manager took this weekend of...today was such a boring day it was unbelievable...it was like O-M-G....i need to get out of here...i hate when you have nothing to do and you have to just stand around..because time just goes by so slow...and your like damn it...lolz...i really need to move on with my life...get away from people who seem to be stuck from the past...i guess by now its obvious who i'm talking about...but yeah...things with him just seems to be so fukked up...its like there is never a solid answer to the situation...but then again its life...so there is never a solid answer to anything...but yeah...he is nothing but false promises...and i hate people who make promises who can't keep it...i understand at times...circumstances prevents you from fulfilling the promises on those occasions its an exception that one does not keep their promise...but its annoying when one just makes promises that can be kept and doesn't keep it for stupid reasons...its like why do you even bother with making promises....its all to make me feel better...but the fuck with that...it doesn't make me feel nothing but more angry when he doesn't keep it...its like W-D-F...like why? :S...i'm just so sick it all...and to think at the end of the day its JUST a friendship...but i'm putting this much effect into it...is it really worth all my time and energy...but at the same time i don't want to move away...i want to keep at it till...i mold him into respecting me the way i want him to...i guess i see that as a challenge...believe me...when i say I FEEL totally STUPID for the way i see this situation...that i need to make it this way...but i guess thats just me trying to make stupid challenges to keep my life a bit interesting...i mean if it gets out of control i WILL back off...but at the time being ...i'm just determined to get what i want...its just i guess exciting...but in the process of this...i'm getting my self caught in a net...and i'm struggling to get myself out of it...because what was once a game seems to be powering me now...so i don't know what the game is no more....i don't know where the buck stops...i guess i just don't like people looking at me so cheaply...like some idiot who no matter what will always be there...because at the back of my head thats what i think he sees me as...i guess this is where my insecurity comes in...i DON"T like being looked at so cheap like...like a pillow to hold the person when they fall...that at the end of the day they can fall and i'll be there...i don't like being used for my caring...and sincerity...its like i ain't a idiot...and this guy seems to be going down that very road of me just snapping the fuck out and just walking away...and never turning back...but GOD gave me a gift or a curse...don't know which way to look at it...but HE gave me PATIENCE...and a lot of it...its surprising how patient i can be...it honestly even scares me...i don't snap fast...but when i do snap...its not pretty...i have done it in the past...none of which i did for myself thats the funny thing...i always did it for someone else...there was only two time i ever snapped at someone for myself...one of which was in grade 8 i believe...when i was in tutoring class...i had a group of friends who i chilled with...and one of the guy in the group was just was annoying me...and i had a orange pop at hand...and this guy was like talking away and was like oh u can't do nothing...and i was like don't tempt me i'll pour this drink on you...and he didn't listen...and he was wearing a BRAND new white sweater...and i took the orange pop and poured it on him...he was so shocked...and i just walked away....the other time was when my cousin pissed me of so much that i didn't talk to her for about 2 years...and when i mean i didn't talk i wouldn't even say a word to her when she came to my house...and she is my blood cousin...but thats the thing i don't get mad very easily because i have a lot of patience...but if you tip me over the end...the consequences are always pretty severe...i'm not really proud of how i function...but then again this is me...people who love me put up with my shit and people who don't...well clearly they aren't in my life for a reason....and this guy is just playing with my patience...but eventually i will snap like that episode in arthur where franchine's head popped...haha i love that show...i can watch it as many times and i still wont get sick of it...lolz i really need to buy the entire collection for that show...but yeah i just have to let this flow the way it does and make a decision as it goes on...i just need to realize that this is NOTHING...but i guess because i'm secretly a very attention craving person and this guy seems to give me the attention i seek...i don't want to move away...but that doesn't give him the reason to treat me so cheap like though hmmm...but yeah...i think i wrote a lot about my confusing state...i'm going to go put my head to rest...