you say what you know the other person wants to hear

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY EMINEM :D

This will be Said one day to me :)

Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world

Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love

Like I'm the only one who knows your heart

Only girl in the world...

Like I'm the only one that's in command

Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man

Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world

Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love

Like I'm the only one who knows your heart

Only one...

Explode

i'm at the verge of just exploding in my head...there seems to be to much stuff in my head and i don't even know how to deal with it...or how separate it...i had a really good time this weekend...spent it with my friends and family...everything was going well until last night when she cried to me saying how much i don't treat as a friend...in the sense that i don't tell her anything about my life...and the truth is that i don't...and i know that...i was hoping that she wouldn't pick up on it...but hey she is a smart girl...and when she was crying to me about it...it broke my heart...i felt like shit...and even then did i open my mouth and tell her everything...nope..nothing i just laid there quiet as a stone...when she asked me to say something...all i could say was "what am i suppose to say when you are right to the bone"...i felt like a BITCH!...thats all i felt like...i feel like i can't look at her the same...i feel like i did something really bad...and i felt like everything i wrote in her card and everything i made for her...is fake...all because i don't tell her anything from my side...she trusts me so much...she tells me everything...from her life...to peoples life that involves her...she tells me things that i shouldn't know...but she tells me...and in return what do i tell her...i bought a pair of pants...thats as far as i go...i told her how numb i feel...how i can't feel no emotions...and she like maybe your keeping it in...and i'm like no i just can't feel nothing no more...and i told her how long it has been since i cried...and thats as far as i can go...this morning i wanted to tell her about the guy...because she even brought it up...because she was hurt in the way i told her about him long time ago...and she like i don't even know what the deal with him...and she went of with telling me how she felt about everything...but no matter how hard i tried it wouldn't come out...i don't know how long its going to take for me to get out of this feeling...or how long it will take me to just tell her...but this is utter crap feeling...then i have my mom hassling for me to throw a party in a hall for my b-day...its just so shit because i'm not into that kind of attention...i'm not into getting ready like that and taking pictures and all that stuff its just not me...and i'm like wdf...and i have EVERYONE...when i say EVERYONE i mean it...on my ass about why i ain't doing it...and now i'm doing it...with no happiness in it....which is completely stressing me out...its come to the point that i don't even my b-day to come...i ain't even looking forward to it...fuck!...i feel like i can't find happiness...and that i can't be right person...seem to be screwing up something for someone...then you have that fukking idiot...i need to just find some kind of solution with that as time goes by...i'm just fukking sick of this game...i txted him today telling him i needed to talk to me...he asked me about what...and i'm like i need to have a reason to tell you that i need to talk to you...and he like no no...i was just wondering...and i was like well when we talk you will know what it is...and he like how he is going to grab food and then he'll be home and then he'll txt me...this was 12pm and its almost 9 now...any txt NOPE...and i just txted him with a smart comment...but thats it...fuck man...i'm so sick of this crap...this is why i never wanted to tell him i liked him...because things just get fukked at the end of the day...now i feel like i don't have a friendship...and because i told him i liked him...i think i have small expectations...and since it ain't being fulfilling...its annoying me...i mean if he says he likes me...even if your bz...you take a minute to two just see how that person you like is doing...thats what you naturally do...no one is that bz that one can't spare 2 minutes out of your day to do that...so his fukking excuse that he is bz is so bullshit...that he needs to get a new excuse....i ain't expecting things between us no more...if things happen it will if not fuck it...but how i feel about him is going to take a while be to go away...because i did actually truly like him...so its going to be a while...but i know i will let it go...but just not yet...but its definitely a working process...we'll see how this goes...hopefully i get a hold of him and i clear my mind...then i have school...there is so much i need to do...its like fuck...where am i suppose to find the time for all this...i have work to...so its like FUCK!....hence why i feel my head is going to explode!

MENTALIST RULES MY WORLD....SIMON BAKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

No Curtain Call

You say you need someone

But everybody does

I’m no different than you

I just believe what I do

You point your finger at

Everyone but yourself

And blame the ones that you love

Who’re only try’n to help

Flooded

When you think your moving away from something...and you finally have yourself convinced that you have moved away from that something...in turn of the events it gets flooded back into your life...for me thats what happened today...today is a very special day...its the birthday of my true love which is my sister...who is no long with me...i never look at this day as a difficult day...instead i celebrate her b-day secretly within me...she would be 17 today...it would of been nice to still have her with me...i barely had time with her cause she passed away at a very young age...but the time i did have with her...is precious and it will forever be with me...so that is one thing that flooded back to me on this particular day...the second thing that happened is my friend...well she was a friend who i was extremely close with in the past but no longer for we had rough experience...she is still within my life...for what reasons i still can't put my finger on it...i could fix this friendship but i guess i choose not to...i had a very horrible experience with her...that i think i don't want to keep remembering it when i'm talking to her or what not...i mean without her in my life i still can feel that part of my life haunting me...and still shaping alot of the relationships i form in my present life...but she tends to always txt me on specific dates that has meaning to it...a lot of the dates don't bother me...like my b-day and what not...but today she txted me a flower...and it completely took me of guard...i mean from all the dates to remember she remembered this date...it was like why...why this day did you have to do that to me...why did you have to go and tell me that you remember something that is very special and precious to me...why are you doing this without being in my life...i was flooded with so many questions...and i was being a bitch and txted her 'for?'...just because i didn't want to let it go of like that...it just was to much for me to handle...then everything flooded back and i was like WDF...and then i realized why i struggle so much with this guy in my life...i can't trust anyone any more...because she broke my trust...and i gave her my entire trust...and now secretly i have so much trust issues with people trying to enter my life...i mean things with him seem so good on the outside...well not good but normal...but i know that trusting him with my life in his hands is something i will not be able to do...its to difficult for me to do that...cause letting go of 'love' is so much easier then 'trust'...and yes many people will disagree with me and maybe even argue with me...and some would say that love and trust are intertwined...but the truth is in my eyes...trust and love don't...they are two different things...and they CAN be separated....because i can trust someone and not love them...just for instead in commercial life...i trust the bank with my money...but i don't love them...and i can love someone...but i wont give them something to keep because i know that i can't trust them to keep it safe....so for me...i gave up all my trust and she broke it...and now i can't trust no one...to this guy...i give him props if he makes it through with me...because he has so much to work with me ...but at the end of the day i still don't know what the deal is with me and him...i mean i don't feel like i like him any less...but at the same time i don't have such a strong urge to talk to him...maybe because i have embedded in my head that he needs space...or maybe i decided to let him come to me that i have become stubborn...but today i txted him...because he had court and i wanted to wish him...so i did...and later on he msged me back and told me what happened and we talked for a bit through txt and it died out...no bye no nothing...i know he has a lot of things to fix on and he said that too...but at the same time since he said he needed some time...i don't know how to act around him no more...should i still act like i like him...or should i act like i don't....or should i act like i don't care...and live my life...because i really don't know what his life consists of...and maybe i'll never know...but we'll see from now till nov 10, i really don't have any reason to txt him...and i don't want to be a pest by txting him...although he said i wasn't...and i'm txted him on nov 10 because he has another hearing...so i don't know from today till nov 10 if he will txt me...but i hope he remembers my b-day and at least txts me for my b-day...but i guess we shall see when time comes...i haven't gone online thus far...and i think i wont be either...just because seeing him online and then knowing that A) he can be online and not msging me B) he ain't there but his comp is on...either way i think it would bother me...i need to build that factor where i can be online and not get bothered by his name online...but that will take time...and i almost act as though i'm trying to move on...but maybe subconsciously i am...but i haven't yet processed it to my head yet...and maybe i'm just acting mature and focusing on my life and school...i know i may be looked upon as an idiot for this situation with this guy...but hey...everything in life is an experience...even the ones you know is stupid!

~RIP LOVED ONE~

EveryDay

Every Day Is One Less Brick To Carry!

Pacing

I guess God gave me the space and time to let go on a good note...instead of just getting up and leaving...which we all experience and it hurts a lot...with this guy i think we are slowly just going to drift apart...and i guess cause it is happening slowly the pain wont be as painful as if he was to just get up leave...and i felt that pain...it wasn't pleasant at all...i talked to him today...and hmmm i just feel like now he is just saying things...it doesn't feel the same way as it use to be...maybe my point of view changed...maybe i distanced at the heart...and i'm blaming it on the situation or on him...when i asked him where he thinks we are...he didn't have a clue...and to be honest i didn't either...so i asked him so i can kinda know where we were...but i guess we are both on the same page...he said he wont be on msn much more cuz he is really busy...hmm and i told him how msn is the only way i get to spend time with him...and he said that he would get his car soon and that we will chill...around our schedule...hmmm we'll see how that goes...then i told him i felt that he doesn't like me like he did before...and he said he was sorry...and that he hopes that i don't feel that way...because it wasn't like that...but it wasnt like he told me though he likes me still...hmmm...and he told me he wants space...and that he wants to know where things are going...and it was a bit weird...i mean i don't mind giving him the space...because i'm for one the person to totally understand space and stuff...but hmmm...it just felt really weird...and when we were leaving i told him to remember i like him alot...and all he said was that it was cute and said good night homie with a heart...and hmmm i guess the heart was a way of telling me how he felt...but i don't know things just seem weird....he told me to txt him 2moro morning...i'll txt him and we'll see how that goes...i don't know i like him alot and i wouldn't mind things happening between us...but at the same time...things just seem off...and i guess things are good between us...right now...and maybe down the line we will just slowly drift to our own paths...which i guess for me will be the safest way to less pain...i just hope he doesn't fuck me over...and if he does...i hope i don't know about it...i just hope he just laughs about how stupid i was in his head and moves on with his life...because i really just don't want to know how dumb i was to believing everything he said....because i really safe guard my heart...and i actually opened it...and if i get fucked...it will hurt alot and it probably seal shut for a while...so i really don't want to go through that...i guess time will only tell...i have such a bz week...and i wanted to get hwk done today...but i was at call for a family emergency that i didn't even get a chance to do it...damn need to catch up...