Explode

i'm at the verge of just exploding in my head...there seems to be to much stuff in my head and i don't even know how to deal with it...or how separate it...i had a really good time this weekend...spent it with my friends and family...everything was going well until last night when she cried to me saying how much i don't treat as a friend...in the sense that i don't tell her anything about my life...and the truth is that i don't...and i know that...i was hoping that she wouldn't pick up on it...but hey she is a smart girl...and when she was crying to me about it...it broke my heart...i felt like shit...and even then did i open my mouth and tell her everything...nope..nothing i just laid there quiet as a stone...when she asked me to say something...all i could say was "what am i suppose to say when you are right to the bone"...i felt like a BITCH!...thats all i felt like...i feel like i can't look at her the same...i feel like i did something really bad...and i felt like everything i wrote in her card and everything i made for her...is fake...all because i don't tell her anything from my side...she trusts me so much...she tells me everything...from her life...to peoples life that involves her...she tells me things that i shouldn't know...but she tells me...and in return what do i tell her...i bought a pair of pants...thats as far as i go...i told her how numb i feel...how i can't feel no emotions...and she like maybe your keeping it in...and i'm like no i just can't feel nothing no more...and i told her how long it has been since i cried...and thats as far as i can go...this morning i wanted to tell her about the guy...because she even brought it up...because she was hurt in the way i told her about him long time ago...and she like i don't even know what the deal with him...and she went of with telling me how she felt about everything...but no matter how hard i tried it wouldn't come out...i don't know how long its going to take for me to get out of this feeling...or how long it will take me to just tell her...but this is utter crap feeling...then i have my mom hassling for me to throw a party in a hall for my b-day...its just so shit because i'm not into that kind of attention...i'm not into getting ready like that and taking pictures and all that stuff its just not me...and i'm like wdf...and i have EVERYONE...when i say EVERYONE i mean it...on my ass about why i ain't doing it...and now i'm doing it...with no happiness in it....which is completely stressing me out...its come to the point that i don't even my b-day to come...i ain't even looking forward to it...fuck!...i feel like i can't find happiness...and that i can't be right person...seem to be screwing up something for someone...then you have that fukking idiot...i need to just find some kind of solution with that as time goes by...i'm just fukking sick of this game...i txted him today telling him i needed to talk to me...he asked me about what...and i'm like i need to have a reason to tell you that i need to talk to you...and he like no no...i was just wondering...and i was like well when we talk you will know what it is...and he like how he is going to grab food and then he'll be home and then he'll txt me...this was 12pm and its almost 9 now...any txt NOPE...and i just txted him with a smart comment...but thats it...fuck man...i'm so sick of this crap...this is why i never wanted to tell him i liked him...because things just get fukked at the end of the day...now i feel like i don't have a friendship...and because i told him i liked him...i think i have small expectations...and since it ain't being fulfilling...its annoying me...i mean if he says he likes me...even if your bz...you take a minute to two just see how that person you like is doing...thats what you naturally do...no one is that bz that one can't spare 2 minutes out of your day to do that...so his fukking excuse that he is bz is so bullshit...that he needs to get a new excuse....i ain't expecting things between us no more...if things happen it will if not fuck it...but how i feel about him is going to take a while be to go away...because i did actually truly like him...so its going to be a while...but i know i will let it go...but just not yet...but its definitely a working process...we'll see how this goes...hopefully i get a hold of him and i clear my mind...then i have school...there is so much i need to do...its like fuck...where am i suppose to find the time for all this...i have work to...so its like FUCK!....hence why i feel my head is going to explode!