CLOSED

Always listen to what your gut believes fits you...if you feel that stealing fits you then do it...if killing best fits you then do it...yes they have consequences for what you do by the government or by some sort of authority but at the end of the day u did what u believed in and what best fit you...even if ur sitting in jail and thinking why did I do it and feeling miserable...you know deep down inside some part of you is smirking and us gaining some kind of satisfaction...just like that I should of listen to what my gut was telling me...I should of believed in what I thought was right... Damn it... I knew that there was no point in sharing my feelings with...I wanted to share my thoughts my feelings my emotions my everything with this person because I thought hey maybe j should seeing that everyone thinks I compress my feelings but deep inside it was telling me don't act on it don't believe in what u think is a good thing sharing because there is no point and guess what that was true that was fucking true I shouldn't of thought that because at the end of the day I got fucked so hard it ain't even funny and twice fuck my life and opening up...I thought he would be someone who I can do that but clearly that failed and then I talked to my bestfriend well something of a bestfriend...despite the things I dislike about her...her card was sweet it was nice and it gave me rush of a flashback of all the things we shared and had and she msged me last night and we talked said how we felt I was hesitate about sharing how I felt and how I missed the old relationship we had so I was like fuck it let me just tell her how I feel...and after I did I feel so disgusted and remorseful of it... Wished I can take it back...I felt so stupid so retarded...damn it...this sharing of feelings and expressing shit like this is just not for me...I tried and I aint comfortable with it...I'm going back to who I was...who I was comfortable with...I like keeping my shit to myself and that's how it's going to be cause at the end of the day it's always about yourself :)....fuck the world and the ppl in it...except for this very feel ppl I love dearly and they know who they are....

Alice Smith - Dream

When i wake up
In the morning time
I like to see you
Sleeping by my side
I think about the nights
We had before
Wanna give you
This and more
Let you know
I truly adore you

Being with you
Loving you
This way is so sweet
The way you kiss me
You're making
My knees go weak
We could be forever happy
Through rain or whatever
Never gonna take
The fantasy away from you

Chorus:
I need to be everything
You see in your dreams
It seems to me
You'll never find
Another lover good as i
To give you
All that you need
And i'll be there
To love you each
And every night
And all through the day

There was a time
That i didn't have you around
Back in them days
My heart never made a sound
Now it's beating
Like my head's in the clouds
Never doubt
That i'ma always be
Down to hang around you

You're making me
Feel so good inside
The way i feel
When you love me
Makes me wanna cry
All these truffle
Of the things you do
Make my love
Dream come true
Moving me
To tell you
That i love you

2 30Am and I can't sleep..well I probably can sleep if I put my head on the pillow but I don't want to and this is weird feeling usually when I'm depressed or upset I tend only want to sleep and nothing else right now I don't want do nothing but just want to stay up I'm sick of this life sick of the choices that we make...at the end of all this... I decided to like him... I decided that i wanted something with him...and now I'm facing the consequences something I wonder why I decided to go through with I know ppl say you can't help it u just fall in love but I still feel as though no matter what u still get to decide whether u want to give your heart to him or not and fuck me I decided and now that I decided now I'm suffering I know I never met him and I know what we have or had god knows is real or not but at the end of the day the words we shared...stands so fukking strong in my head I can recall everything and that's very frustrating I hate how this turned out for me I know I did bad in my life but i try my best to the best I can do the good I can but I guess my sins are higher then the amount of good I did fuck! Damn I was doing so good all these years I know what I wanted and now I'm distracted and that's fucked and now I'm more then ever determined to have that accomplished independent life and thats all I want...I want my degree and find that job and have my own life and just prove to myself and others that as a woman I can live on my own and have a luxury life that many feel as though can only be done with an accompany I just want to show that isn't true...ppl might feel that I'm bitter and lonely but the truth isn't that I'm probably one of those ppl who love being around couples and watching romantic movies and reading them...but i feel as though me being independent is probably the best bet for me until i know i can stand a chance in a "real" relationship...right now i don't think i'm capable... 

....MOOD FUCKING SWINGS....

Where'd you go

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone.

"Some days I feel like shit,

Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"

I don't understand why you have to always be gone,

I get along but the trips always feel so long,

And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,

'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,

But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,

But when I pick up I don't have much to say,

So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'

Angel of Death

so today's episode of Lie to Me was very interesting. It centered around the topic of "angel of death"...and this topic was new to me...i never heard this topic before and the now that i have..i cant seem to get it out of my mind...can someone really be the "angel of death" or at least proclaim them self to be..."angel of death" is someone or "angel" who appears before someone to usher them to where they belong hence to their death...i guess another term they are the grim ripper....see that is the methodology aspect to what "angel of death" means...but how is this demonstrated in the real world...people who take away lives of others who think they can play God is considered to call themselves "angel of death"...because they think they have the power to take the lives of other...but with the topic of "angel of death"...the most suspects are doctors and nurses...because they feel as though they can play God by taking the lives of those who are suffering...they feel like the have control who can live and who can't...see some doctors and nurses uses "angel of death" as a power and control tool...but others use it as a means of releasing the patients...some nurses and doctors feel as though they are saving the patients from suffering....some diagnosis give chronic pain that can't be healed even through med...and these patients just have to suffer through it...and they can't even kill themselves and nor can they get someone else to kill them...so doctors and nurses take the power of their position to do some kind of good...and i can totally see where they are coming from...some part of me if i was to be a nurse or a doctor would want to do that too...if i know they are in such agony and there is nothing that can help them...then why not end their life for them...because they are suffering day in and day out...i think if i was to be a doctor or nurse that would be one of the most tempting and difficult thing...just to know that the patients under my care are suffering and i have no control over in healing their pain...for those doctors and nurses who killed their patients with legit cause....like they knew there was no hope from them...and that they are in agony...i give them credit...despite the fact that they are in jail...you saved life...its questionable in the sense of how can someone be saved when they just got killed...but at that point as a patient you released them from the horrid of pain and agony that no one will ever understand...living through that kind of pain is like living in hell...and there is no way of escaping...and when that patient died...they were saved from that agony and pain hence their life got saved...i know for a fact...when i write a will...i would say if i was to be suffering from chronic pain...or the doctors no i'm in pain...and their is no hope for me...i would like to pass on away...however euthanasia is illegal in Canada....if somehow it changes in the future...there it is in my will....i personally think euthanasia should be legal in Canada...just because if someone is in that much pain and suffering...and each morning and each night all they are doing is to die...why not give them what they want...i mean they obviously don't want to live on the account that there is no hope...i would be so bitter...i mean despite the fact that i get to see my family once in a while...what difference does it make...i suffer day in day out and there is no hope...and they have to put my family through pain..as much as they love to see me...they always walk away...with this sadness in their heart because know i'm suffering...but i personally think when such cases are available...there should be a panel of experts...like experience doctors...and have like i guess a jury of doctors and experts...and decide the patients diagnosis and decide if it is the right decision to do it or not..i know many people would disagree with me...and the only argument they can come up with is..."who gives you the right to play God"....or "God gave this person this diagnosis...cause its what was meant to be"...personally thats bullshit...because as a rebuttal i can say that if you have legit proof that this person is dying...then why not...A) you have legit proof they are suffering B) you have the consent of the patient C) doctors know that there is no hope for a cure...D) the patient can't do nothing cause of their situation...THEN WHY THE FUCK NOT!!!....because if i was to be in a situation like that...FUCK IT...i rather die...cause i would be far off happier then want to wake up every day wanting to dying...and going to bed wanting to die...anyways i think i ranted about the topic enough...

ANGEL OF DEATH

OUR LIFE

Talking,

Laughing,

Loving,

Breathing,

Fighting,

Fucking,

Crying,

Drinking,

Riding,

Winning,

Losing,

Cheating,

Kissing,

Thinking,

Dreaming.

it has been a while

It has been a while since i wrote a proper blog...and i'm sitting here writing this blog write before my midterm...shows you how much i'm studying and putting effort....and then you hope that God will help you through the midterm...how can God help me through my midterm when i'm not even trying...he only helps those who give it there best and he sees that you give it your best...hmmm i practically gave up on my midterm there is just to many stuff i need to know...and now i'm relying on my final to help with my mark...and mind you this is accounting my lowest course...hmmm what to do now right...there is only so much you can study now at this point before the midterm...so life is been treating me shit...my mom is throwing me a b-day party...and i just hate the whole notion of it...its frustrating and annoying and it just isn't me...i ain't the type of girl to get all fancy and stand there and take pictures and have all the attention shine on me...yeah i get it most girls love this...i'm just one of those girls who hate it...after going through this process i almost just want to get married at city hall...have a nice reception and spend all the rest of the money on a nice ass honeymoon...see that is my dream of a wedding nothing fancy nothing hectic and no stress...i honestly just hope to have a stress free life...i mean yes stress is something that is inevitable but still keep it at a low so i don't waste my life....stressing over things that isn't necessary...it really isn't worth it at the end of the day...because no matter how much you stress over it...it is what it is...and you can't do anything to change it...hmmm like how things are with me and him...i'm stress but why....don't know...is it worth stressing...technically no...but am i stressing completely...should i stop stressing..ABSOLUTELY....like i said...it is what it is...so why stress over it...i guess that is my mojo from now on...decipher everything and see if it truly and completely is worth stressing...my education in general is worth stressing over just because that is my life...and i need to make sure that i make good of it....i watch so many shows...i love tv what can i say...and in every show there is always this location that a bunch of friends meet up to hang out in there adult life...and its amazing...just to know that you have a good job and after work you just hit this spot and your friends come and you just hang out...its like that in how i met your mother, in arthur...and other shows as well...and in my case i friends who just don't even want to do anything after there 21st birthday...i mean i get the whole concept of okay no more specific dates for birthday parties and what not...but is it so wrong to just go out for dinner or lunch for your birthday with all close friends...mind you i only have 3 really close friends...hmmm its just frustrating to think how wrapped they are in there life...just about their relationships and family and what not...its like once your done school its right into that family life...get married get a job....have a year with your spouse and then BOOM kids....from there on i don't need to say no more...its pretty clear how their life is going to be...hmmm...i just don't want to fall into that life style...i want to find that job...live on my own...actually have that group of friends where we can go and hang out after work...or whenever we feel like it...and life just a free life for a bit before i get myself into the reality of what society wants from individuals.....will i be able to obtain...i don't know...maybe i will get sucked into what society expects from who knows...as much as life is in my hand...there are just some things you just can't control...i sound so depressed with my talking...but i honestly don't feel like it...i realized by now that i'm an individual person who has really different thoughts to most of the socialized girls out there...and i came to terms with it now...yes at one point i wanted to be like girls who dress up everyday...and always look pretty and just be the "norm" what girls should be...but now i know that who i am is what i want to be...simple and ordinary...which fits my life style perfectly...and i can bet i probably would have a much less stressful life that those other girls....i don't even know what the purpose of this blog was...but i guess i just needed to let somethings out...anyways i better get ready to go write my failure of a midterm....

Ps: to the one who is reading...i'm not talking about you...its the other two :P