Rehab - Rihanna

Baby, baby, when we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped into one, with a ribbon on it

And all of a sudden, when you left
I didn't know how to follow, it's like a shot
That spun me around and now my heart left
I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize the ways you hit me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

And now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more
I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking
I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease

Damn, ain't it crazy when your love slams?
You'll do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me, I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug

The only problem is that you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know, it's not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta win myself over you

And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize the ways you hit me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

'Cause now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more
I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking
I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease

Now ladies, gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, now gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Now ladies, gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, now gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more
I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking
I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease

Chew me up and spit me out

I fell for this so many times

It's ridiculous

And still I stick with this

I'm sick of this but in my sickness and addiction

You're as addictive as they get

Evil as they come vindictive as they make em

GUT FEELING

It's been taught to me in a hard way...but always follow your GUT FEELING!....at least now i'm at PEACE!

out of control

Last night i was going through my binder of private notes...where i keep my diary...and random work of writing my thoughts down...and i happen to stumble upon one piece which was pretty strong about what i felt...and i wrote this in the beginning of the year...so it was weird...but its always nice to read back on stuff like this...i'm so new to this type of feeling...i dealt with so many different types of emotions related to so many different relationships in my life...but this one was different...so i guess thats why i'm having such a hard time coping with it...not knowing how to react to such a situation...but i know i can move past this...it just will take some time...but i know i'm strong enough to do it...so here is the piece thought i would share it...

She has been alone for years. She learned to be the person who didn't need anyone. She was a person who believed was strong and mature. A part of her agreed, but a part of her thought she was lying to herself. There is so much she wants but doesn't have. She knows that her strength to be on her own two feet is everything to her. Being able to rely on herself and no body else is something she worked on for many years and is still working on. She likes being alone, being able to thinking free with no one around her. ABLE to listen to the music and drift to a world she dreams of. Away from all the expectation of the world around her wants from her. How music gives the freedom to be anywhere she wants to be. She knows what she wants in life. If she will accomplish it is another question on its own, but she is proud of the accomplishment thus far. She still struggles with the past. Still feels like she is being haunted by what she once was. She gets so furious that she lets the past come back in her mind. Hates that she has become cold because of it. She hates how she is afraid of commitment. She hates how it makes her scared to get close to someone emotionally. She hates how she is scared to trust someone who can make a difference in her life. She hates that she ends up having feelings for a guy that is nothing to what she dreamt off. If frustrates her that the guy disappears after making her like him. She hates that she fell for a guy who is there to take everything she worked hard for away from her. She hates that one person can and change so much in her life. She is hating the fact that this guy makes her feel good inside, warm inside. A guy who doesn't give her any attention at all suddenly gives her all the attention in one shot, and then disappears for days. Leaving her feeling like something was taken away from her. By the time she realized that she should move away from him, he would appear again in her life and make her melt again and accept him back into her life secretly. He has no idea that he makes her feel this way. He has no idea, that he actually makes a difference to her in her life. He has no idea that she smiles when she talks to him. Or gets excited when she sees his name appear. She hates the fact that he makes her feel this way. She was happy loving herself and only herself. She learned to be strong and keep her distance from people. But she knows at the back of her head that there is no future with this guy. She knows that her life wont be happy with him in the long run. But she is furious that her heart wont listen to her. She hates how her heart skips a beat of the thought of him. Why, she keeps asking herself that this guy reappears back into her life. Why was she introduced to him. She can't seem to shake away this feeling inside. And she keeps on searching for something that she herself doesn't know what she is looking for. So, she decides to move on and become one again with herself, but part of her wants to keep on waiting and searching for him. She keep asking herself why and there is no answer coming back. No one seems to be answering that one question she keeps asking. She is upset watching the world go by her. She felt like she didn't belong in the world with the rest of the people. She feels though that she is being judged and pressured into doing something she isn't ready for. She was never a person who gave into pressure from others. But now she feels that slowly the pressure is building to strong for her to hold it onto her shoulders. She wants to give in and surrender. But part of her knows that she can fight this battle, with all the others ones that she faced. She feels as though she belongs to a different world. A world where she can be herself and not be pressured or judged. Is what she want seem to difficult to achieve? She just wants to be happy in her own way. Not in the way of others are but her OWN unique way!

SICK

I'm SIMPLY SICK of EVERYTHING...and EVERYONE!!!!

I simply miss him

Thats all i can say...i simply miss him...there is nothing more i can say about the situation...do i miss him as a friend...do i miss him more then a friend i don't know...but i miss him so much that it hurts...this withdrawal is killing me...i hate this feeling...this feeling is so new to me...i ain't use to it...i don't know how to handle it...i don't know what to do with this type of feeling...the more and more i don't here from him...the more and more i feel like i want him...i actually want something with him...i actually want to give this a try....maybe i'm acting out of impulse...i don't know...i'm just so fukking confused that it ain't even funny no more...i don't know what i want....no more...my thoughts are so clouded...i cant see the clear sky no more...what do i do...where do i seek the answer...in my head or in my heart...because my head says no...cause i logically know why i'm saying no to the situation...but my heart wants this...my heart wants to give this a try...my heart likes him alot...and want to change him and make him a better person...someone who can be proud of himself...and i would love to be the person who can do that for him...but why...why am i held back...why is that i can't move forward...WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT!?

Selfish

I know everyone is selfish...its part of who we are....we are selfish about something or another...and its how you control that makes the situation manageable or disastrous...all this time i have been obsessing over this guy...and finally we told each other we like each other...and BOOM...i should of felt like huge burden got of my shoulders....but instead i felt like a huge burden just landed on my shoulder...i have been trying to reason with the situation...to why i felt like something wasn't connecting...i tried reasoning with myself...with my friends...but deep inside i knew something just wasn't right...i couldn't put my finger on it....i couldn't find it...and it was bothering me so much...slowly things on my end with him started to change...i started to feel it and sense it...i knew it...and the question was why and what am i going to do about it...but he was on cloud nine...he is so happy that things are going great that "we" have potential...me on the other hand feel so suffocated...i felt like i'm in a body of water....and with one push the water is going to start flooding into my body filling every inch of my body weighing my body deeper into the earth of the water..while i'm trying to fight to reach the top to breath...that shouldn't be how it feels when you confess to the person you like that you like them...instead it should make you happy and warm inside...more and more the days went by i was sinking....BOOM i went to school and i realized why it was just a burden to me...i realized why i was moving away from him...and i realized what i really wanted...i realized that i was SELFISH...selfish of what you may ask....selfish of me....i wanted everything to be about me...my life...my friends...my school...but i couldn't figure out a "my" for him...in my life...i realized right there that i wanted it to be a me myself and i...situation....and throughout the week...he was on my mind...but not in the constant way it use to be...not in that constant way that made me feel fuzzy inside and happy...i didn't bother to txt him...i thought about it...but then i didn't really care to go through with it....when i came home...i did my shit...i would go online wait maybe 10 minutes no reply from him...just go off to bed...i didn't bother to txt him asking him why he ain't online or if he is coming online...i didn't leave msgs online...for him if he was to come online and see..i just didn't care...why i keep asking myself...and thats the only thing i can come up with...that i'm selfish about my life...and i don't want to share it with anyone...and with him...i realized i need to share my life with him...tell him things and what not...and it ain't coming to me naturally...such feelings and expressing your thoughts to your significant should flow out of you...it shouldn't be forced out of you...i know i have trouble expressing my thoughts and what not...but with the guy i go out with...or would go out with...i expect it to come naturally...because i'm that comfortable with them...it shouldn't be something where i need to think things through...and force my self to tell him how i feel...and if i can't do that...then i guess thats a big issue...he is a great guy no doubt...and maybe down the line i'll regret letting him go...but right now i realized that i don't want to share my life with anyone but myself...i just want my friends my family and my school...and thats as far as i want to share my life with...right now i really don't want any other commitments...now the whole situation is me telling him that i don't want any of this...i don't want him waiting for me and i don't want him using pronouns such as "we", "us", "together"...because that makes me claustrophobic...it makes me feel like i need to seek for air...because i'm being cut of my air supply...if i'm ready down the line...and he still wants to give it a try...maybe then we'll see how it goes...but right now i don't want any of this...last night he comes and asks me a million questions...it was like wdf :|...asking me why i didn't txt him...if everything is okay between "us"....and he kept asking me that again and again....if everything is okay in general...and now all of a sudden he is determined to see me...all this time when we had free time...throughout the summer...he never brought this topic up...now after school starts....he wants to see me...its like wdf :s...now i have school....i need to focus on that...because there is a lot that i need to accomplish in school this year....i have a job that i need to go to...which i'm also planning on increasing the hours...because i have some free time...then i have my family to focus...my friends...and now he wants to fukking see me...i'm pretty sure i can find some time to squeeze him in...but i really careless too...i rather do something else...throughout this blog...i'm pretty sure i sound like a hard core BITCH...who just led a guy on and now dumping him...but the truth is i always told him i wasn't ready for this...i told him to keep the his options open...he insisted on everything...he is the one who went right ahead and started using those pronouns...he is the one who started saying "i love you's"...when i never once did...because i knew that this was way to fast...and that there is much more to just telling the person you like them...its more of a reality thing...there is alot you need to think about before you get yourself into a relationship...it ain't all about the happy times...of being with them...and going out with them...and having physical connection with them...hmmm i just want this to be over...and i just want things to be how it use to be...and i guess that will never happen...but i will try...and maybe he will understand...and maybe he wont...but i hope he does...and doesn't put more pressure on me...then i'm already going through....but at the end of it all...i know i still like him...but that clearly isn't enough for me to change how i feel about my life and my feelings about the reality around me...