Selfish

I know everyone is selfish...its part of who we are....we are selfish about something or another...and its how you control that makes the situation manageable or disastrous...all this time i have been obsessing over this guy...and finally we told each other we like each other...and BOOM...i should of felt like huge burden got of my shoulders....but instead i felt like a huge burden just landed on my shoulder...i have been trying to reason with the situation...to why i felt like something wasn't connecting...i tried reasoning with myself...with my friends...but deep inside i knew something just wasn't right...i couldn't put my finger on it....i couldn't find it...and it was bothering me so much...slowly things on my end with him started to change...i started to feel it and sense it...i knew it...and the question was why and what am i going to do about it...but he was on cloud nine...he is so happy that things are going great that "we" have potential...me on the other hand feel so suffocated...i felt like i'm in a body of water....and with one push the water is going to start flooding into my body filling every inch of my body weighing my body deeper into the earth of the water..while i'm trying to fight to reach the top to breath...that shouldn't be how it feels when you confess to the person you like that you like them...instead it should make you happy and warm inside...more and more the days went by i was sinking....BOOM i went to school and i realized why it was just a burden to me...i realized why i was moving away from him...and i realized what i really wanted...i realized that i was SELFISH...selfish of what you may ask....selfish of me....i wanted everything to be about me...my life...my friends...my school...but i couldn't figure out a "my" for him...in my life...i realized right there that i wanted it to be a me myself and i...situation....and throughout the week...he was on my mind...but not in the constant way it use to be...not in that constant way that made me feel fuzzy inside and happy...i didn't bother to txt him...i thought about it...but then i didn't really care to go through with it....when i came home...i did my shit...i would go online wait maybe 10 minutes no reply from him...just go off to bed...i didn't bother to txt him asking him why he ain't online or if he is coming online...i didn't leave msgs online...for him if he was to come online and see..i just didn't care...why i keep asking myself...and thats the only thing i can come up with...that i'm selfish about my life...and i don't want to share it with anyone...and with him...i realized i need to share my life with him...tell him things and what not...and it ain't coming to me naturally...such feelings and expressing your thoughts to your significant should flow out of you...it shouldn't be forced out of you...i know i have trouble expressing my thoughts and what not...but with the guy i go out with...or would go out with...i expect it to come naturally...because i'm that comfortable with them...it shouldn't be something where i need to think things through...and force my self to tell him how i feel...and if i can't do that...then i guess thats a big issue...he is a great guy no doubt...and maybe down the line i'll regret letting him go...but right now i realized that i don't want to share my life with anyone but myself...i just want my friends my family and my school...and thats as far as i want to share my life with...right now i really don't want any other commitments...now the whole situation is me telling him that i don't want any of this...i don't want him waiting for me and i don't want him using pronouns such as "we", "us", "together"...because that makes me claustrophobic...it makes me feel like i need to seek for air...because i'm being cut of my air supply...if i'm ready down the line...and he still wants to give it a try...maybe then we'll see how it goes...but right now i don't want any of this...last night he comes and asks me a million questions...it was like wdf :|...asking me why i didn't txt him...if everything is okay between "us"....and he kept asking me that again and again....if everything is okay in general...and now all of a sudden he is determined to see me...all this time when we had free time...throughout the summer...he never brought this topic up...now after school starts....he wants to see me...its like wdf :s...now i have school....i need to focus on that...because there is a lot that i need to accomplish in school this year....i have a job that i need to go to...which i'm also planning on increasing the hours...because i have some free time...then i have my family to focus...my friends...and now he wants to fukking see me...i'm pretty sure i can find some time to squeeze him in...but i really careless too...i rather do something else...throughout this blog...i'm pretty sure i sound like a hard core BITCH...who just led a guy on and now dumping him...but the truth is i always told him i wasn't ready for this...i told him to keep the his options open...he insisted on everything...he is the one who went right ahead and started using those pronouns...he is the one who started saying "i love you's"...when i never once did...because i knew that this was way to fast...and that there is much more to just telling the person you like them...its more of a reality thing...there is alot you need to think about before you get yourself into a relationship...it ain't all about the happy times...of being with them...and going out with them...and having physical connection with them...hmmm i just want this to be over...and i just want things to be how it use to be...and i guess that will never happen...but i will try...and maybe he will understand...and maybe he wont...but i hope he does...and doesn't put more pressure on me...then i'm already going through....but at the end of it all...i know i still like him...but that clearly isn't enough for me to change how i feel about my life and my feelings about the reality around me...