out of control

Last night i was going through my binder of private notes...where i keep my diary...and random work of writing my thoughts down...and i happen to stumble upon one piece which was pretty strong about what i felt...and i wrote this in the beginning of the year...so it was weird...but its always nice to read back on stuff like this...i'm so new to this type of feeling...i dealt with so many different types of emotions related to so many different relationships in my life...but this one was different...so i guess thats why i'm having such a hard time coping with it...not knowing how to react to such a situation...but i know i can move past this...it just will take some time...but i know i'm strong enough to do it...so here is the piece thought i would share it...

She has been alone for years. She learned to be the person who didn't need anyone. She was a person who believed was strong and mature. A part of her agreed, but a part of her thought she was lying to herself. There is so much she wants but doesn't have. She knows that her strength to be on her own two feet is everything to her. Being able to rely on herself and no body else is something she worked on for many years and is still working on. She likes being alone, being able to thinking free with no one around her. ABLE to listen to the music and drift to a world she dreams of. Away from all the expectation of the world around her wants from her. How music gives the freedom to be anywhere she wants to be. She knows what she wants in life. If she will accomplish it is another question on its own, but she is proud of the accomplishment thus far. She still struggles with the past. Still feels like she is being haunted by what she once was. She gets so furious that she lets the past come back in her mind. Hates that she has become cold because of it. She hates how she is afraid of commitment. She hates how it makes her scared to get close to someone emotionally. She hates how she is scared to trust someone who can make a difference in her life. She hates that she ends up having feelings for a guy that is nothing to what she dreamt off. If frustrates her that the guy disappears after making her like him. She hates that she fell for a guy who is there to take everything she worked hard for away from her. She hates that one person can and change so much in her life. She is hating the fact that this guy makes her feel good inside, warm inside. A guy who doesn't give her any attention at all suddenly gives her all the attention in one shot, and then disappears for days. Leaving her feeling like something was taken away from her. By the time she realized that she should move away from him, he would appear again in her life and make her melt again and accept him back into her life secretly. He has no idea that he makes her feel this way. He has no idea, that he actually makes a difference to her in her life. He has no idea that she smiles when she talks to him. Or gets excited when she sees his name appear. She hates the fact that he makes her feel this way. She was happy loving herself and only herself. She learned to be strong and keep her distance from people. But she knows at the back of her head that there is no future with this guy. She knows that her life wont be happy with him in the long run. But she is furious that her heart wont listen to her. She hates how her heart skips a beat of the thought of him. Why, she keeps asking herself that this guy reappears back into her life. Why was she introduced to him. She can't seem to shake away this feeling inside. And she keeps on searching for something that she herself doesn't know what she is looking for. So, she decides to move on and become one again with herself, but part of her wants to keep on waiting and searching for him. She keep asking herself why and there is no answer coming back. No one seems to be answering that one question she keeps asking. She is upset watching the world go by her. She felt like she didn't belong in the world with the rest of the people. She feels though that she is being judged and pressured into doing something she isn't ready for. She was never a person who gave into pressure from others. But now she feels that slowly the pressure is building to strong for her to hold it onto her shoulders. She wants to give in and surrender. But part of her knows that she can fight this battle, with all the others ones that she faced. She feels as though she belongs to a different world. A world where she can be herself and not be pressured or judged. Is what she want seem to difficult to achieve? She just wants to be happy in her own way. Not in the way of others are but her OWN unique way!