Flooded

When you think your moving away from something...and you finally have yourself convinced that you have moved away from that something...in turn of the events it gets flooded back into your life...for me thats what happened today...today is a very special day...its the birthday of my true love which is my sister...who is no long with me...i never look at this day as a difficult day...instead i celebrate her b-day secretly within me...she would be 17 today...it would of been nice to still have her with me...i barely had time with her cause she passed away at a very young age...but the time i did have with her...is precious and it will forever be with me...so that is one thing that flooded back to me on this particular day...the second thing that happened is my friend...well she was a friend who i was extremely close with in the past but no longer for we had rough experience...she is still within my life...for what reasons i still can't put my finger on it...i could fix this friendship but i guess i choose not to...i had a very horrible experience with her...that i think i don't want to keep remembering it when i'm talking to her or what not...i mean without her in my life i still can feel that part of my life haunting me...and still shaping alot of the relationships i form in my present life...but she tends to always txt me on specific dates that has meaning to it...a lot of the dates don't bother me...like my b-day and what not...but today she txted me a flower...and it completely took me of guard...i mean from all the dates to remember she remembered this date...it was like why...why this day did you have to do that to me...why did you have to go and tell me that you remember something that is very special and precious to me...why are you doing this without being in my life...i was flooded with so many questions...and i was being a bitch and txted her 'for?'...just because i didn't want to let it go of like that...it just was to much for me to handle...then everything flooded back and i was like WDF...and then i realized why i struggle so much with this guy in my life...i can't trust anyone any more...because she broke my trust...and i gave her my entire trust...and now secretly i have so much trust issues with people trying to enter my life...i mean things with him seem so good on the outside...well not good but normal...but i know that trusting him with my life in his hands is something i will not be able to do...its to difficult for me to do that...cause letting go of 'love' is so much easier then 'trust'...and yes many people will disagree with me and maybe even argue with me...and some would say that love and trust are intertwined...but the truth is in my eyes...trust and love don't...they are two different things...and they CAN be separated....because i can trust someone and not love them...just for instead in commercial life...i trust the bank with my money...but i don't love them...and i can love someone...but i wont give them something to keep because i know that i can't trust them to keep it safe....so for me...i gave up all my trust and she broke it...and now i can't trust no one...to this guy...i give him props if he makes it through with me...because he has so much to work with me ...but at the end of the day i still don't know what the deal is with me and him...i mean i don't feel like i like him any less...but at the same time i don't have such a strong urge to talk to him...maybe because i have embedded in my head that he needs space...or maybe i decided to let him come to me that i have become stubborn...but today i txted him...because he had court and i wanted to wish him...so i did...and later on he msged me back and told me what happened and we talked for a bit through txt and it died out...no bye no nothing...i know he has a lot of things to fix on and he said that too...but at the same time since he said he needed some time...i don't know how to act around him no more...should i still act like i like him...or should i act like i don't....or should i act like i don't care...and live my life...because i really don't know what his life consists of...and maybe i'll never know...but we'll see from now till nov 10, i really don't have any reason to txt him...and i don't want to be a pest by txting him...although he said i wasn't...and i'm txted him on nov 10 because he has another hearing...so i don't know from today till nov 10 if he will txt me...but i hope he remembers my b-day and at least txts me for my b-day...but i guess we shall see when time comes...i haven't gone online thus far...and i think i wont be either...just because seeing him online and then knowing that A) he can be online and not msging me B) he ain't there but his comp is on...either way i think it would bother me...i need to build that factor where i can be online and not get bothered by his name online...but that will take time...and i almost act as though i'm trying to move on...but maybe subconsciously i am...but i haven't yet processed it to my head yet...and maybe i'm just acting mature and focusing on my life and school...i know i may be looked upon as an idiot for this situation with this guy...but hey...everything in life is an experience...even the ones you know is stupid!

~RIP LOVED ONE~