diverting

What i feel is no where to what a person who had a real relationship feels...after all my situation is intangible in many ways...and i learn to accept that...once a upon a time...it was everything i ever wanted to think about...it was everything i wanted to put my energy into...to something that i could not touch...but it was felt...built up with many hopes and dreams....with all the 'what ifs' but now i know what it is...and i came to accept what it is...it was around this time where i was getting back in contact with him last year...it was around this time where the feelings were slowly sparking without fully coming out...that thrill of playing hiding go seek was amazing and i honestly enjoyed every minute of it...and i have to say i wish i still had that going rather then what i have now...now it is just way to complicated and way to uneasy to deal with...it sucks though he does not see it that way....but i guess it really doesn't matter...what he thinks...i realize how much he does not fit me as an other half...as much as i can see everything on that blank paper...that isn't blank any more cause it is filled with all the truth...but in my head i still see the blank paper...which i hope to fill with what i want...rather then to what it truly says on that paper that i am hiding...there is still the burning urge to contact him...and to talk to him...to have him in my life...even if its not as it use to be...i still want his presence...its like how i am with my friend who isn't much of a friend no more...we only contact each other on occasions to wish each other...and that is as far it gets...but with him i fear that if i was to cut ties...i'll lose him all together...and that is what hurts the most...he is one person i am able to talk to...about things i love...like music and movies and anything else...and he has an input for it all...it is hard to find someone like that...cause no one is that versatile....the other day i watched two movies...one being forrest gump and the other being welcome to the relieys forrest gump was a movie he recommended me to watch and the welcome to the relieys is a movie he wanted to watch...and that movie is something not everyone would want to watch...heck i wasn't even interested into it until he mentioned it to me...and thats when i was like kk let me see it for myself as well...hmmm ...but at the same time you can't just not face the truth...because you like the little things about the situation...however with our last conversation i realized how much he has to change...and how much he still has to accomplish in his life...and i'm not a pusher...or at least i try to not be a pusher...and i know if i was to get with him...i would have a hard time not being a pusher...just because i want him to succeed....and i would hate his current position in life...and me trying not to be a pusher...and just stay out of his business will only aggravate me...and i don't want to be in a relationship where i'm going to be aggravated all the time because he ain't straightening up his life...and i ain't also going to get into a relationship where i'm going to live of wishful thinking...on the basis that he will change his life around...and that he will start smartening up...if i'm going to get into a relationship i should already see all that happening...so that i know that in the future...he has the will power to make things happen rather then just speak about it...with all that...i haven't talked to him in a week...nor have i come online...i just want my space from him...i just want to see what i really want...and maybe in the time we don't talk...there is changes in his life...that is worth wild...and maybe not...but right now i realized that it is best for me is to not be around his presence.... but because of that i think i'm starting to focus on my school work a little better just because i don't want to think about any of that stuff so i try to divert my thoughts away from him and onto something else...and i also believe that i am focusing on school more because i realized even more then before how stupid it is not to focus on your education by looking at him...i can only point and tell him what he is doing wrong in education if i'm perfect in it...and i do want to be an example that i can pin him against so that he realizes that when i leave it wasn't my fault it was his...his lousiness to actually act on his words...to act on what is important in life....to act like a mature person...and to stop making up excuses to why he can't focus...if your depressed then don't just sit there all the time and think about it...i mean yes it is nice to bum around a few days just to collect yourself but at the same time it shouldn't be a permanent fixture...and through my eyes i feel as though that is what i see about him...i can only say that because i've been through it...and i was depressed for reasons that i was not able to fix...or didn't know how to fix it or had the support to fix it...just because it was more based on emotions and self-esteem...unlike his...where its more based on things he can fix....he sits there thinking about how he wasted his life...and how fuckked up he is...and how he went to jail and how he got convicted and how miserable it is...and how his uncle died...how he doesn't have an education and how he should be graduating school right now ...instead of trying to enter it...from everything i said...he has the will and opportunity to fix it all...and with his uncle....death is a natural process of life...yes it hurts that your life is going on without them...but its going right...so why cling onto someone who no longer is there...they are happy where they are...and you should be happy where you are...it was just meant for them to go at that time...however i ain't trying to be a bitch about it or anything but i'm just saying everything is in his hands to fix and he ain't doing anything about it to fix it rather then loaft around...and fuck his life even more...but yeah...so i decided on what i wanted...and yes i'm having a hard time coming to terms with it...but i do know what i'm doing is much needed and it is what is best for me right now...the only question i have for myself that i haven't answered is

"if he texts or contacts me in any form...do i reply or do i not?"

No matter how many times that you told me you wanted to leave.
No matter how many breaths that you took you still couldn't breathe.
No matter how many nights that you lied wide awake to the sound of the poison rain.

Where did you go? Where did you go? Where did you go?