I don't get it!

Why am i fucking forcing this...why am i pushing this...why is it that i don't feel anything any more...i don't get what the fuck is happening to me...i don't get how i can be so crazy in thoughts of this guy and to now not feel the same way i use to...does that mean what i felt was not real...or strong enough...what does this mean...fuck man...so i was talking to him...and he is still in lala land with me...and i can't give him back what he wants...and hurts me to see that i can't do it...it hurts to know that i'm not as happy as i was once when i talked to him compared to how i feel now...fuck man!...i don't know why i'm beating myself up over this...but argh...i forgot what i said...but he goes so you don't love me anymore:(...and i laugh and i go i never loved you to begin with...and he like i know...but you will...like wdf does that suppose to me...like argh...fuck man!!!....and we were talking about something and he goes i give up...and i go as always...and he goes well if i give up...we wouldn't be talking right now...in your face sucker....and i start laughing and i go...funny how you say that when ummm lets see...i msg you often and i txt you as well....and he goes im working on that...so i go so who's face is it really in...and he laughs and i go yeah thats what i thought and he goes you always put a smile on my face....and i'm sitting there going i wish you did the same for me in that warm and fuzzy way...because right now i smile towards you as a friend...as not that person who likes you....hmmm this is fucked...i wanted to talk to him today and tell him how i really felt...what i really wanted and what i expected...cuz watching my tamil drama i realized how much more i expect out of a relationship and how much i expect out of the guy i fall in love with....and he is no where near what i want...and i don't want to settle for less...because deep down inside i believe i deserve at least half of what i expect...and i don't want to over look all the major flaws in this...for the small short term satisfaction i'm getting out of him now...it just isn't worth it!