Christmas!

today was a nice and peaceful day...its been a while since my entire family woke up together and sat down and ate lunch together...we only have three people in my family ... my dad my mom and me...so usually there is always one person missing...and at night on week days we all come home late...and we eat at different times because im usually doing hwk or my parents are doing something so its really never a sit down and lunch...and on weekends me and my mom work...so we never wake up as a family to do nothing throughout the day...so it was nice...however today was also judgement day for me...because my university decided to release marks...i have been secretly been really worried about my accounting mark...just because when i walked out of the exam i knew hands down i failed it...i never felt that assured in my life...so today i prayed and opened my marks...to find out that i PASSED...i was so happy...i was so thrilled..deep inside i really didn't want that F on my transcript...i mean if i got it..so be it...but if i could avoid it...then i will try my best to...not only did i pass it i got a D+...which means that i didn't just pass i passed with a good mark in the sense of getting a high 50s...so i was happy...i could of actually gotten a C- or something if i tried...don't get me rong i'm more then grateful to have gotten this mark...and my other marks were really good too...so i was really happy with my grade today...i just need to keep up this good work and i think i will get far...lolz...

Why blog when you have songs to express everything

Complicated! - Rihanna

[chorus]
You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no-oh
You’re not easy to love-
You’re not easy to love, no-oh

Why is everything, with you so complicated?
Why do you make it hard to love you-
While I hate it?
Cause if you really wanna be alone, I,
Would throw my hands up cause baby I tried
But everything with you is so complicated,
Oh why (Oh why)?

[Verse]
Sometimes I get you, Sometimes I don’t understand.
Sometimes I love you, Sometimes it's you I can't stand.
Sometimes I wanna hug you, Sometimes I wanna push you away.
Most times I wanna kiss you, Other times put you and every minute you start switching up
And you say things like, ‘ You don't give a fuck!'
Then I say, ‘I'm through with you.' Take my heart from you. And you come running after me, and, baby, I'm back with you.

Oh

[Chorus]
You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no-oh
You’re not easy to love-
You’re not easy to love, no-oh

Why is everything, with you so complicated?
Why do you make it hard to love you-
While I hate it?
Cause if you really wanna be alone, I
Would throw my hands up cause baby I tried


But everything with you is so complicated,
Oh, why (Oh why)?

[verse]
Sometimes I catch you, Sometimes you get away
Sometimes I read you, Other times I’m like, ‘Where are you on the page?’
Sometimes I feel like we will be together for---ever
But you’re so complicated my heart and all is bitter.

Why is everything with you so complicated?
Why do you make it hard to love you-
While I ha---te it?
Cause if you really wanna be alone, I
Would throw my hands up cause baby I tried
But everything with you is so complicated,
Oh, why (Oh Why)?

I'mma stick around just a little while longer.
Just to make sure, that you’re really sure, you like sleeping alone
I'mma stick around just a little while longer.
Just to make sure, that you’re really sure, you like sleeping alone

Why is everything, with you so complicated?
Why do you make it hard to love you-
Why I hate it?
Cause if you really wanna be alone, I
Would throw my hands up cause baby I tried
But everything with you is so complicated,
Oh, why (Oh why)?


You're not easy to love
You're not easy to love, no-oh
You're not easy to love-
You're not easy to love, no-oh

I Ain't Thru

[Keyshia Cole]
So aint nobody iller than me
and I aint being cocky I’m just saying
it’s time for me to do me
time for me to live my life
and I aint worried bout y’all
all you hating a-s broads
with your hating a-s fits
hating a-s this
hating a-s lips
so give me my elbow room
its time for me to come through
I’m shining like my time,
Im shining like my purse
I’m shining like my shoes
see I’ve been here on my grind
doing mine and I aint through

[Chorus]
I aint through
I’ma, I’ma, I’ma live it up
I’ma, I’ma, I’ma do it up
I gotta live it
I aint through (I aint)
I’ma, I’ma, I’ma live it up
I’ma, I’ma, I’ma do it up
oh no

[Nicki Minaj]
B-b-b-b-b bad bit*h central
check my credentials
muthaf-cking right it’s Nicki on the intro
and I’m even bit*hier when I’m on my menstral
you aint even got a credit card for incidental
basic insurance and it don’t include dental,
dental, dental, yes b-tch I’m mental
plus I’m in the big boy and it’s not a rental
sh-t aint sweet unless its the Presidential
Y-Y-Y-Y-You a mut
tell her quack quack, she a muthaf-cking duck, goose
she a saturday night live, spoof
one thing the coupe never got, roof!
yeah I took the spot she gone, poof!
me and KC, deuce!
stay fly, you can call me “have a safe flight”
and my wrist froze, stage fright

[Chorus]

[Keyshia Cole]
Would you say I’m the baddest right here
about to take over yeah this is my year
coming and I aint gonna stop this here
and aint nobody iller than me
I’m on one and I aint gon stop
I aint gon stop till I reach the top
say it if you know what I’m talking about
lets get this money, lets get this money
yeah
so give me my elbow room
it’s time for me to come through
I’m shining like my time,
Im shining like my purse
I’m shining like my shoes
see I’ve been here on my grind
doing mine and I aint through

[Chorus]
I go, I go, I go, I go harder
I go, I go, I go, I go harder
[Nicki Minaj]
KC, Nicki Minaj, f-ck y’all wack b-tches
old a-s b-tches
hahaha

To all the Ladies

i'm completely loving the fact that there are many songs just in the past month that i'm stumbling upon...to the independence of women and how powerful they are...do it up!!!!

Enough said #4

"I think when you move past your fear and you go after your dreams wholeheartedly, you become free know what i'm saying? Most past the fear."

--LL Cool J--

This song is everything i feel!

FLY

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
To fly

[Nicki Minaj]
I wish today it will rain all day
Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away
Trying to forgive you for abandoning me
Praying but I think I’m still an angel away
Angel away, yeah strange in a way
Maybe that is why I chase strangers away
They got their guns out aiming at me
But I become near when they aiming at me
Me, me, me against them
Me against enemies, me against friends
Somehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all see blood
They start coming and I start rising
Must be surprising, I’m just summising
Win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
More fire

[Rihanna - Chorus]
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
To fly

[Nicki Minaj - Verse 2]
Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating everytime it locks me in
Paint they own pictures than they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins

Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can every be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
So we become alive in a time of fear
And I aint got no muthaf-cking time to spare
Cry my eyes out for days upon days
Such a heavy burden placed upon me
But when you go hard your nay’s become yay’s
Yankee Stadium with Jay’s and Kanye’s

[Rihanna - Chorus]
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
To fly

[Nicki Minaj - Bridge]
Get ready for it
Get ready for it
Get ready for it
I came to win
Get ready for it
Get ready for it
I came to win

-Nicki Minaj ft Rihanna-

Enough said #3

"Sometimes you just gotta let shit go and say to "hell with it" and move on"

--Eminem--

It has finally Arrived

SNOW!!!

I am one of those very few people who LOVE winter. I love the cold. I love the SNOW. I love the way it looks. I love the way it feels. There is nothing i don't like about winter. When i went to take a nap today the roads were empty. When i woke up it was all white. It was such a moment. I opened the front door in my robe like an idiot and admired it. I was so excited. But my excitement was short lived because i had to go back to studying for my exams. I can't wait till i'm done my exams and i get to relax. i should get back to finishing my take home exam. I shall be back later :)

Enough said #2

“I'm not alone in feeling the way I feel,"

"I believe that a lot of people can relate to my shit

— whether white, black, it doesn't matter.

Everybody has been through some shit,

whether it's drastic or not so drastic.

Everybody gets to the point of 'I don't give a fuck.!'”

--Eminem--

Enough Said

"My body is a journal in a way.

It's like what sailors used to do, where every tattoo meant something,

a specific time in your life when you make a mark on yourself,

whether you do it yourself with a

knife or with a professional tattoo artist"

--Johnny Depp--

CLOSED

Always listen to what your gut believes fits you...if you feel that stealing fits you then do it...if killing best fits you then do it...yes they have consequences for what you do by the government or by some sort of authority but at the end of the day u did what u believed in and what best fit you...even if ur sitting in jail and thinking why did I do it and feeling miserable...you know deep down inside some part of you is smirking and us gaining some kind of satisfaction...just like that I should of listen to what my gut was telling me...I should of believed in what I thought was right... Damn it... I knew that there was no point in sharing my feelings with...I wanted to share my thoughts my feelings my emotions my everything with this person because I thought hey maybe j should seeing that everyone thinks I compress my feelings but deep inside it was telling me don't act on it don't believe in what u think is a good thing sharing because there is no point and guess what that was true that was fucking true I shouldn't of thought that because at the end of the day I got fucked so hard it ain't even funny and twice fuck my life and opening up...I thought he would be someone who I can do that but clearly that failed and then I talked to my bestfriend well something of a bestfriend...despite the things I dislike about her...her card was sweet it was nice and it gave me rush of a flashback of all the things we shared and had and she msged me last night and we talked said how we felt I was hesitate about sharing how I felt and how I missed the old relationship we had so I was like fuck it let me just tell her how I feel...and after I did I feel so disgusted and remorseful of it... Wished I can take it back...I felt so stupid so retarded...damn it...this sharing of feelings and expressing shit like this is just not for me...I tried and I aint comfortable with it...I'm going back to who I was...who I was comfortable with...I like keeping my shit to myself and that's how it's going to be cause at the end of the day it's always about yourself :)....fuck the world and the ppl in it...except for this very feel ppl I love dearly and they know who they are....

Alice Smith - Dream

When i wake up
In the morning time
I like to see you
Sleeping by my side
I think about the nights
We had before
Wanna give you
This and more
Let you know
I truly adore you

Being with you
Loving you
This way is so sweet
The way you kiss me
You're making
My knees go weak
We could be forever happy
Through rain or whatever
Never gonna take
The fantasy away from you

Chorus:
I need to be everything
You see in your dreams
It seems to me
You'll never find
Another lover good as i
To give you
All that you need
And i'll be there
To love you each
And every night
And all through the day

There was a time
That i didn't have you around
Back in them days
My heart never made a sound
Now it's beating
Like my head's in the clouds
Never doubt
That i'ma always be
Down to hang around you

You're making me
Feel so good inside
The way i feel
When you love me
Makes me wanna cry
All these truffle
Of the things you do
Make my love
Dream come true
Moving me
To tell you
That i love you

2 30Am and I can't sleep..well I probably can sleep if I put my head on the pillow but I don't want to and this is weird feeling usually when I'm depressed or upset I tend only want to sleep and nothing else right now I don't want do nothing but just want to stay up I'm sick of this life sick of the choices that we make...at the end of all this... I decided to like him... I decided that i wanted something with him...and now I'm facing the consequences something I wonder why I decided to go through with I know ppl say you can't help it u just fall in love but I still feel as though no matter what u still get to decide whether u want to give your heart to him or not and fuck me I decided and now that I decided now I'm suffering I know I never met him and I know what we have or had god knows is real or not but at the end of the day the words we shared...stands so fukking strong in my head I can recall everything and that's very frustrating I hate how this turned out for me I know I did bad in my life but i try my best to the best I can do the good I can but I guess my sins are higher then the amount of good I did fuck! Damn I was doing so good all these years I know what I wanted and now I'm distracted and that's fucked and now I'm more then ever determined to have that accomplished independent life and thats all I want...I want my degree and find that job and have my own life and just prove to myself and others that as a woman I can live on my own and have a luxury life that many feel as though can only be done with an accompany I just want to show that isn't true...ppl might feel that I'm bitter and lonely but the truth isn't that I'm probably one of those ppl who love being around couples and watching romantic movies and reading them...but i feel as though me being independent is probably the best bet for me until i know i can stand a chance in a "real" relationship...right now i don't think i'm capable... 

....MOOD FUCKING SWINGS....

Where'd you go

Where'd you go?

I miss you so,

Seems like it's been forever,

That you've been gone.

"Some days I feel like shit,

Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"

I don't understand why you have to always be gone,

I get along but the trips always feel so long,

And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,

'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,

But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,

But when I pick up I don't have much to say,

So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'

Angel of Death

so today's episode of Lie to Me was very interesting. It centered around the topic of "angel of death"...and this topic was new to me...i never heard this topic before and the now that i have..i cant seem to get it out of my mind...can someone really be the "angel of death" or at least proclaim them self to be..."angel of death" is someone or "angel" who appears before someone to usher them to where they belong hence to their death...i guess another term they are the grim ripper....see that is the methodology aspect to what "angel of death" means...but how is this demonstrated in the real world...people who take away lives of others who think they can play God is considered to call themselves "angel of death"...because they think they have the power to take the lives of other...but with the topic of "angel of death"...the most suspects are doctors and nurses...because they feel as though they can play God by taking the lives of those who are suffering...they feel like the have control who can live and who can't...see some doctors and nurses uses "angel of death" as a power and control tool...but others use it as a means of releasing the patients...some nurses and doctors feel as though they are saving the patients from suffering....some diagnosis give chronic pain that can't be healed even through med...and these patients just have to suffer through it...and they can't even kill themselves and nor can they get someone else to kill them...so doctors and nurses take the power of their position to do some kind of good...and i can totally see where they are coming from...some part of me if i was to be a nurse or a doctor would want to do that too...if i know they are in such agony and there is nothing that can help them...then why not end their life for them...because they are suffering day in and day out...i think if i was to be a doctor or nurse that would be one of the most tempting and difficult thing...just to know that the patients under my care are suffering and i have no control over in healing their pain...for those doctors and nurses who killed their patients with legit cause....like they knew there was no hope from them...and that they are in agony...i give them credit...despite the fact that they are in jail...you saved life...its questionable in the sense of how can someone be saved when they just got killed...but at that point as a patient you released them from the horrid of pain and agony that no one will ever understand...living through that kind of pain is like living in hell...and there is no way of escaping...and when that patient died...they were saved from that agony and pain hence their life got saved...i know for a fact...when i write a will...i would say if i was to be suffering from chronic pain...or the doctors no i'm in pain...and their is no hope for me...i would like to pass on away...however euthanasia is illegal in Canada....if somehow it changes in the future...there it is in my will....i personally think euthanasia should be legal in Canada...just because if someone is in that much pain and suffering...and each morning and each night all they are doing is to die...why not give them what they want...i mean they obviously don't want to live on the account that there is no hope...i would be so bitter...i mean despite the fact that i get to see my family once in a while...what difference does it make...i suffer day in day out and there is no hope...and they have to put my family through pain..as much as they love to see me...they always walk away...with this sadness in their heart because know i'm suffering...but i personally think when such cases are available...there should be a panel of experts...like experience doctors...and have like i guess a jury of doctors and experts...and decide the patients diagnosis and decide if it is the right decision to do it or not..i know many people would disagree with me...and the only argument they can come up with is..."who gives you the right to play God"....or "God gave this person this diagnosis...cause its what was meant to be"...personally thats bullshit...because as a rebuttal i can say that if you have legit proof that this person is dying...then why not...A) you have legit proof they are suffering B) you have the consent of the patient C) doctors know that there is no hope for a cure...D) the patient can't do nothing cause of their situation...THEN WHY THE FUCK NOT!!!....because if i was to be in a situation like that...FUCK IT...i rather die...cause i would be far off happier then want to wake up every day wanting to dying...and going to bed wanting to die...anyways i think i ranted about the topic enough...

ANGEL OF DEATH

OUR LIFE

Talking,

Laughing,

Loving,

Breathing,

Fighting,

Fucking,

Crying,

Drinking,

Riding,

Winning,

Losing,

Cheating,

Kissing,

Thinking,

Dreaming.

it has been a while

It has been a while since i wrote a proper blog...and i'm sitting here writing this blog write before my midterm...shows you how much i'm studying and putting effort....and then you hope that God will help you through the midterm...how can God help me through my midterm when i'm not even trying...he only helps those who give it there best and he sees that you give it your best...hmmm i practically gave up on my midterm there is just to many stuff i need to know...and now i'm relying on my final to help with my mark...and mind you this is accounting my lowest course...hmmm what to do now right...there is only so much you can study now at this point before the midterm...so life is been treating me shit...my mom is throwing me a b-day party...and i just hate the whole notion of it...its frustrating and annoying and it just isn't me...i ain't the type of girl to get all fancy and stand there and take pictures and have all the attention shine on me...yeah i get it most girls love this...i'm just one of those girls who hate it...after going through this process i almost just want to get married at city hall...have a nice reception and spend all the rest of the money on a nice ass honeymoon...see that is my dream of a wedding nothing fancy nothing hectic and no stress...i honestly just hope to have a stress free life...i mean yes stress is something that is inevitable but still keep it at a low so i don't waste my life....stressing over things that isn't necessary...it really isn't worth it at the end of the day...because no matter how much you stress over it...it is what it is...and you can't do anything to change it...hmmm like how things are with me and him...i'm stress but why....don't know...is it worth stressing...technically no...but am i stressing completely...should i stop stressing..ABSOLUTELY....like i said...it is what it is...so why stress over it...i guess that is my mojo from now on...decipher everything and see if it truly and completely is worth stressing...my education in general is worth stressing over just because that is my life...and i need to make sure that i make good of it....i watch so many shows...i love tv what can i say...and in every show there is always this location that a bunch of friends meet up to hang out in there adult life...and its amazing...just to know that you have a good job and after work you just hit this spot and your friends come and you just hang out...its like that in how i met your mother, in arthur...and other shows as well...and in my case i friends who just don't even want to do anything after there 21st birthday...i mean i get the whole concept of okay no more specific dates for birthday parties and what not...but is it so wrong to just go out for dinner or lunch for your birthday with all close friends...mind you i only have 3 really close friends...hmmm its just frustrating to think how wrapped they are in there life...just about their relationships and family and what not...its like once your done school its right into that family life...get married get a job....have a year with your spouse and then BOOM kids....from there on i don't need to say no more...its pretty clear how their life is going to be...hmmm...i just don't want to fall into that life style...i want to find that job...live on my own...actually have that group of friends where we can go and hang out after work...or whenever we feel like it...and life just a free life for a bit before i get myself into the reality of what society wants from individuals.....will i be able to obtain...i don't know...maybe i will get sucked into what society expects from who knows...as much as life is in my hand...there are just some things you just can't control...i sound so depressed with my talking...but i honestly don't feel like it...i realized by now that i'm an individual person who has really different thoughts to most of the socialized girls out there...and i came to terms with it now...yes at one point i wanted to be like girls who dress up everyday...and always look pretty and just be the "norm" what girls should be...but now i know that who i am is what i want to be...simple and ordinary...which fits my life style perfectly...and i can bet i probably would have a much less stressful life that those other girls....i don't even know what the purpose of this blog was...but i guess i just needed to let somethings out...anyways i better get ready to go write my failure of a midterm....

Ps: to the one who is reading...i'm not talking about you...its the other two :P

you say what you know the other person wants to hear

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY EMINEM :D

This will be Said one day to me :)

Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world

Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love

Like I'm the only one who knows your heart

Only girl in the world...

Like I'm the only one that's in command

Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man

Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world

Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love

Like I'm the only one who knows your heart

Only one...

Explode

i'm at the verge of just exploding in my head...there seems to be to much stuff in my head and i don't even know how to deal with it...or how separate it...i had a really good time this weekend...spent it with my friends and family...everything was going well until last night when she cried to me saying how much i don't treat as a friend...in the sense that i don't tell her anything about my life...and the truth is that i don't...and i know that...i was hoping that she wouldn't pick up on it...but hey she is a smart girl...and when she was crying to me about it...it broke my heart...i felt like shit...and even then did i open my mouth and tell her everything...nope..nothing i just laid there quiet as a stone...when she asked me to say something...all i could say was "what am i suppose to say when you are right to the bone"...i felt like a BITCH!...thats all i felt like...i feel like i can't look at her the same...i feel like i did something really bad...and i felt like everything i wrote in her card and everything i made for her...is fake...all because i don't tell her anything from my side...she trusts me so much...she tells me everything...from her life...to peoples life that involves her...she tells me things that i shouldn't know...but she tells me...and in return what do i tell her...i bought a pair of pants...thats as far as i go...i told her how numb i feel...how i can't feel no emotions...and she like maybe your keeping it in...and i'm like no i just can't feel nothing no more...and i told her how long it has been since i cried...and thats as far as i can go...this morning i wanted to tell her about the guy...because she even brought it up...because she was hurt in the way i told her about him long time ago...and she like i don't even know what the deal with him...and she went of with telling me how she felt about everything...but no matter how hard i tried it wouldn't come out...i don't know how long its going to take for me to get out of this feeling...or how long it will take me to just tell her...but this is utter crap feeling...then i have my mom hassling for me to throw a party in a hall for my b-day...its just so shit because i'm not into that kind of attention...i'm not into getting ready like that and taking pictures and all that stuff its just not me...and i'm like wdf...and i have EVERYONE...when i say EVERYONE i mean it...on my ass about why i ain't doing it...and now i'm doing it...with no happiness in it....which is completely stressing me out...its come to the point that i don't even my b-day to come...i ain't even looking forward to it...fuck!...i feel like i can't find happiness...and that i can't be right person...seem to be screwing up something for someone...then you have that fukking idiot...i need to just find some kind of solution with that as time goes by...i'm just fukking sick of this game...i txted him today telling him i needed to talk to me...he asked me about what...and i'm like i need to have a reason to tell you that i need to talk to you...and he like no no...i was just wondering...and i was like well when we talk you will know what it is...and he like how he is going to grab food and then he'll be home and then he'll txt me...this was 12pm and its almost 9 now...any txt NOPE...and i just txted him with a smart comment...but thats it...fuck man...i'm so sick of this crap...this is why i never wanted to tell him i liked him...because things just get fukked at the end of the day...now i feel like i don't have a friendship...and because i told him i liked him...i think i have small expectations...and since it ain't being fulfilling...its annoying me...i mean if he says he likes me...even if your bz...you take a minute to two just see how that person you like is doing...thats what you naturally do...no one is that bz that one can't spare 2 minutes out of your day to do that...so his fukking excuse that he is bz is so bullshit...that he needs to get a new excuse....i ain't expecting things between us no more...if things happen it will if not fuck it...but how i feel about him is going to take a while be to go away...because i did actually truly like him...so its going to be a while...but i know i will let it go...but just not yet...but its definitely a working process...we'll see how this goes...hopefully i get a hold of him and i clear my mind...then i have school...there is so much i need to do...its like fuck...where am i suppose to find the time for all this...i have work to...so its like FUCK!....hence why i feel my head is going to explode!

MENTALIST RULES MY WORLD....SIMON BAKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

No Curtain Call

You say you need someone

But everybody does

I’m no different than you

I just believe what I do

You point your finger at

Everyone but yourself

And blame the ones that you love

Who’re only try’n to help

Flooded

When you think your moving away from something...and you finally have yourself convinced that you have moved away from that something...in turn of the events it gets flooded back into your life...for me thats what happened today...today is a very special day...its the birthday of my true love which is my sister...who is no long with me...i never look at this day as a difficult day...instead i celebrate her b-day secretly within me...she would be 17 today...it would of been nice to still have her with me...i barely had time with her cause she passed away at a very young age...but the time i did have with her...is precious and it will forever be with me...so that is one thing that flooded back to me on this particular day...the second thing that happened is my friend...well she was a friend who i was extremely close with in the past but no longer for we had rough experience...she is still within my life...for what reasons i still can't put my finger on it...i could fix this friendship but i guess i choose not to...i had a very horrible experience with her...that i think i don't want to keep remembering it when i'm talking to her or what not...i mean without her in my life i still can feel that part of my life haunting me...and still shaping alot of the relationships i form in my present life...but she tends to always txt me on specific dates that has meaning to it...a lot of the dates don't bother me...like my b-day and what not...but today she txted me a flower...and it completely took me of guard...i mean from all the dates to remember she remembered this date...it was like why...why this day did you have to do that to me...why did you have to go and tell me that you remember something that is very special and precious to me...why are you doing this without being in my life...i was flooded with so many questions...and i was being a bitch and txted her 'for?'...just because i didn't want to let it go of like that...it just was to much for me to handle...then everything flooded back and i was like WDF...and then i realized why i struggle so much with this guy in my life...i can't trust anyone any more...because she broke my trust...and i gave her my entire trust...and now secretly i have so much trust issues with people trying to enter my life...i mean things with him seem so good on the outside...well not good but normal...but i know that trusting him with my life in his hands is something i will not be able to do...its to difficult for me to do that...cause letting go of 'love' is so much easier then 'trust'...and yes many people will disagree with me and maybe even argue with me...and some would say that love and trust are intertwined...but the truth is in my eyes...trust and love don't...they are two different things...and they CAN be separated....because i can trust someone and not love them...just for instead in commercial life...i trust the bank with my money...but i don't love them...and i can love someone...but i wont give them something to keep because i know that i can't trust them to keep it safe....so for me...i gave up all my trust and she broke it...and now i can't trust no one...to this guy...i give him props if he makes it through with me...because he has so much to work with me ...but at the end of the day i still don't know what the deal is with me and him...i mean i don't feel like i like him any less...but at the same time i don't have such a strong urge to talk to him...maybe because i have embedded in my head that he needs space...or maybe i decided to let him come to me that i have become stubborn...but today i txted him...because he had court and i wanted to wish him...so i did...and later on he msged me back and told me what happened and we talked for a bit through txt and it died out...no bye no nothing...i know he has a lot of things to fix on and he said that too...but at the same time since he said he needed some time...i don't know how to act around him no more...should i still act like i like him...or should i act like i don't....or should i act like i don't care...and live my life...because i really don't know what his life consists of...and maybe i'll never know...but we'll see from now till nov 10, i really don't have any reason to txt him...and i don't want to be a pest by txting him...although he said i wasn't...and i'm txted him on nov 10 because he has another hearing...so i don't know from today till nov 10 if he will txt me...but i hope he remembers my b-day and at least txts me for my b-day...but i guess we shall see when time comes...i haven't gone online thus far...and i think i wont be either...just because seeing him online and then knowing that A) he can be online and not msging me B) he ain't there but his comp is on...either way i think it would bother me...i need to build that factor where i can be online and not get bothered by his name online...but that will take time...and i almost act as though i'm trying to move on...but maybe subconsciously i am...but i haven't yet processed it to my head yet...and maybe i'm just acting mature and focusing on my life and school...i know i may be looked upon as an idiot for this situation with this guy...but hey...everything in life is an experience...even the ones you know is stupid!

~RIP LOVED ONE~

EveryDay

Every Day Is One Less Brick To Carry!

Pacing

I guess God gave me the space and time to let go on a good note...instead of just getting up and leaving...which we all experience and it hurts a lot...with this guy i think we are slowly just going to drift apart...and i guess cause it is happening slowly the pain wont be as painful as if he was to just get up leave...and i felt that pain...it wasn't pleasant at all...i talked to him today...and hmmm i just feel like now he is just saying things...it doesn't feel the same way as it use to be...maybe my point of view changed...maybe i distanced at the heart...and i'm blaming it on the situation or on him...when i asked him where he thinks we are...he didn't have a clue...and to be honest i didn't either...so i asked him so i can kinda know where we were...but i guess we are both on the same page...he said he wont be on msn much more cuz he is really busy...hmm and i told him how msn is the only way i get to spend time with him...and he said that he would get his car soon and that we will chill...around our schedule...hmmm we'll see how that goes...then i told him i felt that he doesn't like me like he did before...and he said he was sorry...and that he hopes that i don't feel that way...because it wasn't like that...but it wasnt like he told me though he likes me still...hmmm...and he told me he wants space...and that he wants to know where things are going...and it was a bit weird...i mean i don't mind giving him the space...because i'm for one the person to totally understand space and stuff...but hmmm...it just felt really weird...and when we were leaving i told him to remember i like him alot...and all he said was that it was cute and said good night homie with a heart...and hmmm i guess the heart was a way of telling me how he felt...but i don't know things just seem weird....he told me to txt him 2moro morning...i'll txt him and we'll see how that goes...i don't know i like him alot and i wouldn't mind things happening between us...but at the same time...things just seem off...and i guess things are good between us...right now...and maybe down the line we will just slowly drift to our own paths...which i guess for me will be the safest way to less pain...i just hope he doesn't fuck me over...and if he does...i hope i don't know about it...i just hope he just laughs about how stupid i was in his head and moves on with his life...because i really just don't want to know how dumb i was to believing everything he said....because i really safe guard my heart...and i actually opened it...and if i get fucked...it will hurt alot and it probably seal shut for a while...so i really don't want to go through that...i guess time will only tell...i have such a bz week...and i wanted to get hwk done today...but i was at call for a family emergency that i didn't even get a chance to do it...damn need to catch up...

Rehab - Rihanna

Baby, baby, when we first met
I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped into one, with a ribbon on it

And all of a sudden, when you left
I didn't know how to follow, it's like a shot
That spun me around and now my heart left
I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize the ways you hit me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

And now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more
I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking
I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease

Damn, ain't it crazy when your love slams?
You'll do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me, I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug

The only problem is that you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know, it's not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta win myself over you

And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize the ways you hit me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame

'Cause now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more
I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking
I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease

Now ladies, gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, now gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Now ladies, gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, now gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more
I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking
I should've never let you into my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
It's not amusing like I believe

It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked into rehab
Baby, you're my disease

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby, you're my disease

Chew me up and spit me out

I fell for this so many times

It's ridiculous

And still I stick with this

I'm sick of this but in my sickness and addiction

You're as addictive as they get

Evil as they come vindictive as they make em

GUT FEELING

It's been taught to me in a hard way...but always follow your GUT FEELING!....at least now i'm at PEACE!

out of control

Last night i was going through my binder of private notes...where i keep my diary...and random work of writing my thoughts down...and i happen to stumble upon one piece which was pretty strong about what i felt...and i wrote this in the beginning of the year...so it was weird...but its always nice to read back on stuff like this...i'm so new to this type of feeling...i dealt with so many different types of emotions related to so many different relationships in my life...but this one was different...so i guess thats why i'm having such a hard time coping with it...not knowing how to react to such a situation...but i know i can move past this...it just will take some time...but i know i'm strong enough to do it...so here is the piece thought i would share it...

She has been alone for years. She learned to be the person who didn't need anyone. She was a person who believed was strong and mature. A part of her agreed, but a part of her thought she was lying to herself. There is so much she wants but doesn't have. She knows that her strength to be on her own two feet is everything to her. Being able to rely on herself and no body else is something she worked on for many years and is still working on. She likes being alone, being able to thinking free with no one around her. ABLE to listen to the music and drift to a world she dreams of. Away from all the expectation of the world around her wants from her. How music gives the freedom to be anywhere she wants to be. She knows what she wants in life. If she will accomplish it is another question on its own, but she is proud of the accomplishment thus far. She still struggles with the past. Still feels like she is being haunted by what she once was. She gets so furious that she lets the past come back in her mind. Hates that she has become cold because of it. She hates how she is afraid of commitment. She hates how it makes her scared to get close to someone emotionally. She hates how she is scared to trust someone who can make a difference in her life. She hates that she ends up having feelings for a guy that is nothing to what she dreamt off. If frustrates her that the guy disappears after making her like him. She hates that she fell for a guy who is there to take everything she worked hard for away from her. She hates that one person can and change so much in her life. She is hating the fact that this guy makes her feel good inside, warm inside. A guy who doesn't give her any attention at all suddenly gives her all the attention in one shot, and then disappears for days. Leaving her feeling like something was taken away from her. By the time she realized that she should move away from him, he would appear again in her life and make her melt again and accept him back into her life secretly. He has no idea that he makes her feel this way. He has no idea, that he actually makes a difference to her in her life. He has no idea that she smiles when she talks to him. Or gets excited when she sees his name appear. She hates the fact that he makes her feel this way. She was happy loving herself and only herself. She learned to be strong and keep her distance from people. But she knows at the back of her head that there is no future with this guy. She knows that her life wont be happy with him in the long run. But she is furious that her heart wont listen to her. She hates how her heart skips a beat of the thought of him. Why, she keeps asking herself that this guy reappears back into her life. Why was she introduced to him. She can't seem to shake away this feeling inside. And she keeps on searching for something that she herself doesn't know what she is looking for. So, she decides to move on and become one again with herself, but part of her wants to keep on waiting and searching for him. She keep asking herself why and there is no answer coming back. No one seems to be answering that one question she keeps asking. She is upset watching the world go by her. She felt like she didn't belong in the world with the rest of the people. She feels though that she is being judged and pressured into doing something she isn't ready for. She was never a person who gave into pressure from others. But now she feels that slowly the pressure is building to strong for her to hold it onto her shoulders. She wants to give in and surrender. But part of her knows that she can fight this battle, with all the others ones that she faced. She feels as though she belongs to a different world. A world where she can be herself and not be pressured or judged. Is what she want seem to difficult to achieve? She just wants to be happy in her own way. Not in the way of others are but her OWN unique way!

SICK

I'm SIMPLY SICK of EVERYTHING...and EVERYONE!!!!

I simply miss him

Thats all i can say...i simply miss him...there is nothing more i can say about the situation...do i miss him as a friend...do i miss him more then a friend i don't know...but i miss him so much that it hurts...this withdrawal is killing me...i hate this feeling...this feeling is so new to me...i ain't use to it...i don't know how to handle it...i don't know what to do with this type of feeling...the more and more i don't here from him...the more and more i feel like i want him...i actually want something with him...i actually want to give this a try....maybe i'm acting out of impulse...i don't know...i'm just so fukking confused that it ain't even funny no more...i don't know what i want....no more...my thoughts are so clouded...i cant see the clear sky no more...what do i do...where do i seek the answer...in my head or in my heart...because my head says no...cause i logically know why i'm saying no to the situation...but my heart wants this...my heart wants to give this a try...my heart likes him alot...and want to change him and make him a better person...someone who can be proud of himself...and i would love to be the person who can do that for him...but why...why am i held back...why is that i can't move forward...WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT!?

Selfish

I know everyone is selfish...its part of who we are....we are selfish about something or another...and its how you control that makes the situation manageable or disastrous...all this time i have been obsessing over this guy...and finally we told each other we like each other...and BOOM...i should of felt like huge burden got of my shoulders....but instead i felt like a huge burden just landed on my shoulder...i have been trying to reason with the situation...to why i felt like something wasn't connecting...i tried reasoning with myself...with my friends...but deep inside i knew something just wasn't right...i couldn't put my finger on it....i couldn't find it...and it was bothering me so much...slowly things on my end with him started to change...i started to feel it and sense it...i knew it...and the question was why and what am i going to do about it...but he was on cloud nine...he is so happy that things are going great that "we" have potential...me on the other hand feel so suffocated...i felt like i'm in a body of water....and with one push the water is going to start flooding into my body filling every inch of my body weighing my body deeper into the earth of the water..while i'm trying to fight to reach the top to breath...that shouldn't be how it feels when you confess to the person you like that you like them...instead it should make you happy and warm inside...more and more the days went by i was sinking....BOOM i went to school and i realized why it was just a burden to me...i realized why i was moving away from him...and i realized what i really wanted...i realized that i was SELFISH...selfish of what you may ask....selfish of me....i wanted everything to be about me...my life...my friends...my school...but i couldn't figure out a "my" for him...in my life...i realized right there that i wanted it to be a me myself and i...situation....and throughout the week...he was on my mind...but not in the constant way it use to be...not in that constant way that made me feel fuzzy inside and happy...i didn't bother to txt him...i thought about it...but then i didn't really care to go through with it....when i came home...i did my shit...i would go online wait maybe 10 minutes no reply from him...just go off to bed...i didn't bother to txt him asking him why he ain't online or if he is coming online...i didn't leave msgs online...for him if he was to come online and see..i just didn't care...why i keep asking myself...and thats the only thing i can come up with...that i'm selfish about my life...and i don't want to share it with anyone...and with him...i realized i need to share my life with him...tell him things and what not...and it ain't coming to me naturally...such feelings and expressing your thoughts to your significant should flow out of you...it shouldn't be forced out of you...i know i have trouble expressing my thoughts and what not...but with the guy i go out with...or would go out with...i expect it to come naturally...because i'm that comfortable with them...it shouldn't be something where i need to think things through...and force my self to tell him how i feel...and if i can't do that...then i guess thats a big issue...he is a great guy no doubt...and maybe down the line i'll regret letting him go...but right now i realized that i don't want to share my life with anyone but myself...i just want my friends my family and my school...and thats as far as i want to share my life with...right now i really don't want any other commitments...now the whole situation is me telling him that i don't want any of this...i don't want him waiting for me and i don't want him using pronouns such as "we", "us", "together"...because that makes me claustrophobic...it makes me feel like i need to seek for air...because i'm being cut of my air supply...if i'm ready down the line...and he still wants to give it a try...maybe then we'll see how it goes...but right now i don't want any of this...last night he comes and asks me a million questions...it was like wdf :|...asking me why i didn't txt him...if everything is okay between "us"....and he kept asking me that again and again....if everything is okay in general...and now all of a sudden he is determined to see me...all this time when we had free time...throughout the summer...he never brought this topic up...now after school starts....he wants to see me...its like wdf :s...now i have school....i need to focus on that...because there is a lot that i need to accomplish in school this year....i have a job that i need to go to...which i'm also planning on increasing the hours...because i have some free time...then i have my family to focus...my friends...and now he wants to fukking see me...i'm pretty sure i can find some time to squeeze him in...but i really careless too...i rather do something else...throughout this blog...i'm pretty sure i sound like a hard core BITCH...who just led a guy on and now dumping him...but the truth is i always told him i wasn't ready for this...i told him to keep the his options open...he insisted on everything...he is the one who went right ahead and started using those pronouns...he is the one who started saying "i love you's"...when i never once did...because i knew that this was way to fast...and that there is much more to just telling the person you like them...its more of a reality thing...there is alot you need to think about before you get yourself into a relationship...it ain't all about the happy times...of being with them...and going out with them...and having physical connection with them...hmmm i just want this to be over...and i just want things to be how it use to be...and i guess that will never happen...but i will try...and maybe he will understand...and maybe he wont...but i hope he does...and doesn't put more pressure on me...then i'm already going through....but at the end of it all...i know i still like him...but that clearly isn't enough for me to change how i feel about my life and my feelings about the reality around me...

Running

So, i had a nice week away...i went to Darien Lake in states...with my friend and her family...did alot of shopping...and it was good times...now i come and i'm all stressed and confused...the day i come back i have a huge talk with that guy...this guy goes all insane on me...well i see it that way...because it wasn't something i was expecting...he comes out of no where and wants to commit...and goes off...i'm thrilled that he wants to...cause deep inside i guess i always wanted him to bring it up...however now that it has arrived...i'm running the opposite direction...and i can physically see that happening...i just want to ignore that conversation...i don't want that conversation to occur...no matter what people say...i just can't help but feel like i'm getting myself into a situation where i'm getting caged...and i know that truly isn't the situation...but i just help but think of the future...and realize how much i need to change...to compromise with this person...just because we are in a relationship now...even now...he is talking about commitment god knows what he really means...i mean why cant he just come out and say what he wants...that he wants a relationship....why does he have to beat around the bushes...but i guess i ain't helping the situation either...because i'm not helping him with coming out...because i guess i just don't want to hear just yet...i know i need to see him soon...see how things go from there...but i'm scared...what if i don't get the same feeling i get on msn in person...then i'll be disappointment...and i guess i just don't want to face that kind of disappointment...i gone through much disappointment in my life...and i just don't want to face another...when i finally got to a position where i can carry myself out...and dodge those unnecessary disappointment....but i know he makes me smile...but i just can't seem myself doing it...but i know i need to figure out something because it isn't fair for him to really linger...because if he does like me like i think he does...it ain't fair to him for me to play with his feelings...i mean i can see this guy trying...but i guess it all comes down to trust...i still feel like everything is a false...i feel he is just going to pop out of no where and be like...damn i can't believe you fell for it...i guess thats what i'm really afraid up...because if i completely open up and let down my guard and then he just pulls something fukked up like that...i'll be so lost in life for a while...because it would be to much for me to bare and i know that....i need to figure out a solution....asap!

Everything i'm feeling!

Ain't it funny - J.Lo

It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you and me
It's so ironic you're what I had pictured you to be
But there are facts in our lives
We can never change
Just tell me that you understand and you feel the same
This perfect romance that I've created in my mind
I'd live a thousand lives
Each one with you right by my side
But yet we find ourselves in a less than perfect circumstance
And so it seems like we'll never have the chance

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny
And you can't move on even though you try
Ain't it strange when your feeling things you shouldn't feel
Oh, I wish this could be real
Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life
And you don't want to face what's wrong or right
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part
In the story of your heart

Sometimes I think that a true love can never be
I just believe that somehow it wasn't meant for me
Life can be cruel in a way that I can't explain
And I don't think that I could face it all again
I barely know you but somehow I know what you're about

A deeper love I've found in you
And I no longer doubt
You've touched my heart and it altered every plan I've made
And now I feel that I don't have to be afraid

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny
And you can't move on even though you try
Ain't it strange when your feeling things you shouldn't feel
Oh, I wish this could be real
Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life
And you don't want to face what's wrong or right
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part
In the story of your heart

I locked away my heart
But you just set it free
Emotions I felt
Held me back from what my life should be
I pushed you far away
And yet you stayed with me
I guess this means
That you and me were meant to be

Tide

Last night i had a very overwhelming dream...for some reason i'm a type of person who can wake myself up from a dream...i literally watch my dream...although i'm in the dream as well...something along the line of lucid dreams i guess...but yeah...last night i was at this cottage...and when i look over this cliff i can see a body of water...a lake...ocean i don't know...but yeah first time i looked over i just say waves and i just admired it...then i look the second time and the current picks up and this time the wave slightly hits me...and i'm like wdf i'm so up how is that possible...and next thing i know i look again...and there is a huge wave that is coming right over my head...caving me in...like i was in the hollow space of a wave...next thing i know it crashes right over my head...and i'm struggling to get myself out of the water...once i reach the surface...everything is back to normal and it happens again...after it crashed i woke up...it was so fukked up...as always if something distinctively appears in my dream i google it and find the dream interpretation of it...and this is what i got:
Tidal Wave

To see a tidal wave in your dream, represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands your attention. You may have been keeping your feelings and negative emotions bottled up inside for too long. On a positive note, the tidal wave symbolizes the clearing away of old habits. If you are carried away by the tidal wave, then it means that you are ready to make a brand new start in a new place.

This is pretty fukked up...because with this guy of mine...i haven't talked to him for about five days...i'm online today after these days...and because i was upset with this guy...cause of the last conversation...and i had a lot of other stuff on my mind...i can actually see the truth behind this dream...pretty fukked up...or i'm just making connection with the definition...because it sounds someone realistic to make a connection with...but yeah...hmmm then i had another dream...where i stole something...and my partner and me are running in the dark...and i'm getting trapped by the outside people who are coming to catch me...in my dream i was so scared...like i actually felt my heart race...that has never happened before to me...and as stupid as i am...i'm asking myself if i should wake up or not...and i tell myself that i want to know how the story ends...and i continue it :S...but i got distracted by something else that i couldn't find the ending to that story...but i swear its pretty fukked up...when it comes to dreams and me....but yeah....