Damn

Shows I watch:

HOUSE

The Mentalist

How I Met Your Mother

Mad Love

The Killing

Law and Order: SVU

CSI: Miami

Gossip Girl

True Blood

Entourage

Mad Men

Dedicated to me

In the latest of night, I think to myself..what will come of my existence.But the dizziness provided by a days worth of exhaustion, falters the thought process which halts before the question is answered.I awake having more knowledge then Yesterday, but still without answer.And tonight,I will retire with one question more then yesterday.Maybe it is a simple Nothing. But most people naturally like to complicate things.

~EnnaDa NaanRaja~

Speecless

My weaknesses are not my flaws. My flaws are not my failures. My failures are not my mistakes. My mistakes are not my problem. My problem is not my Life. and My life is not my purpose. My purpose....? My purpose is just to breathe live love give dance sing save change.My purpose is My Choice. And I choose to the be the voice of silence. My purpose is Sound.

~EnnaDa NaanRaja~

obsessed

i think i'm becoming obsessed...i can't help it...it started of slow...i knew i had to start slow...it was certainly not going to happen overnight but it damn it...what started small now is becoming more and more powerful...and its starting to slowly eat at me...because i can't stop thinking about it...i can't take it out of my mind...i can't push it out of my mind...that's all i'm thinking about....i'm trying to just keep thinking of how i can improve it...how i can push it forward ...to speed up the process...because i honestly don't want to wait this time...i kept telling myself to take it slow...and that eventually i'm get to where i want to be...but this time its different...i just want it now and i want it badly...i'm sick of feeling the way i do...and i hate how i can't face myself to it either...but i realized that what i'm doing is unhealthy for my body and mind...because its becoming an obsession...and i seriously need to stop!...

All my life...family, friends, people told me i was skinny and i was happy...well at least i didn't have to look into it...however now its completely difference...i can't have one person who doesn't tell me that i haven't gained weight...in the beginning it was fine...i was like yeah i gained weight so what...people do that...but i realized that i kept gaining...and what killed it the most is that i started getting stretch marks...most people get stretch marks because they are looking weight...in my case i'm getting stress marks cause i'm gaining and my body can't help it...i know people tell me that i have the right amount of meet but damn it...it just doesn't feel right to me or to my body...with my friend i made a plan to officially go to the gym...and its been working out great...we have been going regularly and i can see my body changing...however i also told myself that i would always eat healthy to keep my body healthy...but i must say that i clearly failed to do that to...and i know i'm destroying myself... but i can't help it...my portion of my meal has shrunk significantly....sometimes i skip meals...and even though my body is hungry...i can only eat a little and i can barely eat more then that...and if i push myself i am started to feel sick...and just want to throw it all back up...i don't think my body is reacting that way...but its more of a psychological thing...because i realize that i'm full and i realized its going to make me gain weight...i feel like i need to get rid of it...however that shouldn't be the case...because you need food for your body....I NEED FOOD FOR MY BODY...but i can't help it...i officially feel like i'm a girl who is becoming image obsessed....its horrible...and i am completely hating it...however i don't want to stop...i want to keep going...i want to reach my goal of a bikini bod...i'm sick of people telling me that i gained...each time i see people after a long time...i know i should care what people think of my body...and i know that its not in the place to judge my body weight...i can gain and i can lose...who are they to comment on it...however...i can't let myself to think like that...i feel like i need to make a change...and i feel like i need to make a difference...i feel like i need to get all those people who said i gained weight to say i lost weight...i ain't no overweight person...most people would probably look at me and be like you have the right nice body...but i look at myself and be like i don't have a bikini bod...that i see in the magazine...and i know those are airbrushed and tweaked...but fuck it...who ever really looks at that and satisfies themselves...but what makes those magazine more real is that i can see it at the gym...i see people who actually have those type of bodies at the gym...so its clearly achievable without airbrush and technology....seeing that its possible...i want to achieve it...however i need to start eating healthy...because i kill myself over it...

This obsession needs to stop...its unhealthy and its not good...i need to let myself realize that there is more to self image then starvation or hating food...to obtain the type of body i need to eat healthy and exercise...and that alone will be the biggest help my body can get to get where i want to be...but to convince myself of that is difficult...because i am officially OBSESSED with my BODY IMAGE!!!

its been a while

hmmm...where do i start...i haven't written anything for some time and there is just so much happening...i'm not really sure as to what to write about...well to start of winter semester is coming to an end...so i'm glad...but the summer starts...which means summer school...man can't wait to finish school and get a job and move out...how i long for that to happen...it will soon happen...just got to be patient about it...so i finally made my appointment to retouch my tattoo...and hopefully i get a good quote on my new tattoo that i want to get...with money being tight...i really shouldn't get this new tattoo however i can't help it just because i want to indulge in something for myself...and right now this is what i really want...hopefully it turns out nice...i can't wait to go the gym tomorrow...officially getting addicted...and it feels good...although i'm witnessing micro level of changes in my body....i can see it boosting my confidence in my body image...as sad as that sounds...its the truth...and i can't really alter that...i came to write a lot...but i'm getting sleepy...sooo i'll come another day

Why is it different!!!

There are some things that just annoy me in life...and i can never wrap myself around the situation. This is maybe because i haven't experienced it....maybe thats why i'm having a hard time trying to figure some shit out in life...one of the things that annoy me is the difference between friendship and relationship...i mean at the end of the day both are the same...one is physical and "sweeter" and sweeter can be depicted in two ways...the sweet talk that one gets from the partner and sweet in the sense of a friend being nice and showering you with gifts just because your their friend...but then again its so easy to through a friend away but not a partner...why is that...because the friend isn't having sex with you...is that the reason why its so easy to through a friend is...so at the end of the day what having sex means that you show more affectionate towards that individual...thats what is messed up...because a true friend would probably do just the same about of shit any partner would do for you...but at the end of the day when you argue with your partner its like the world is coming to an end...but when when you fight with your friend...its like meh...whatever...if we patch things up we will...if not then you know what we had some good times...and boom brush the person off...its so sad how the value of friendship is so demeaning now a days...its all about relationships and and love...and lovers and the whole deal...its never about friends...or the power of friends...that's another reason to why i love eminem...he sees the value of friendship...he knows it...he raps it...he fucking understands it...oh man...he is my sole mate i can never be with...but anyways coming back to my annoyance...i mean even in movies...its always the friends that get forgotten for that so called "lover"...like i said my thoughts maybe bias for the reason that i'm single and i haven't been in a relationship...but i'm just putting it out there...this has been in the back of my head for so long...because over the years from highschool...because thats really when it comes into play...its always like that...that friends that come and go...there is always that saying that boys and come and goes but friendship is something that comes to stay...but to be honest...even though boys come and go....so does friendship...but its always that boy get the most importance and devastation out of it....(i'm saying boys in this situation but it can whomever the partner is)....but argh it just gets so frustrating...i've lost so many friends over the years...some that were lost through tragic situations...while some were lost because personality clashed...and some just because they gave other things more importance then the friendship they shared with me...and for those i feel stupid i gave my honor, loyalty and trust towards...because clearly it was a waste of time...that's why in my life now...i choose wisely in who i really want to consider friends and who i do...and frankly there is something i'm ashamed off...sometimes i consider some people friends but the truth is...that is just a name i consider to name the bond that is created between me and that person...but the matter of fact is...your just someone in my life...i share certain aspect of my life...if you were to walk out my life...i don't think i'll cry over it...i don't think i'll be hurt by it...i honestly don't think i would give a fuck...i know i sound so harsh...and i know i sound like bitch but hey i have my reasons to why i became so cold towards the topic of friendship...i created 3 friends in my life...and those are the last of whom i completely devote my life towards....everyone who came after that is just people who entered my life...i'm not saying that i wont make friends...but that individual would go through so many hidden tests that i would put them through to really know if they are worth having my friendship...i ain't going to give 100% to a person who eventually would leave for whatever reason it is...i'm so sick of this crap...friendship has come so fucked up....and then like again the whole of relationship vs friendship...most individual would share the same information with both person...live the same life with both individual...only difference is that with one its a bit more romantic in the sense of physical and "sweetness"...and the other is a bit more difference in the sense of you still have moments that you share and cherish and have that "sweetness"...but then again that one is easy to throw away then the other...man i sound so bitter...its just random things i think about but never put it down on paper...i guess now i have...what difference does it really make...it just there...for the sake of it...

Nothing is wrong with you

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Rock Mafia - The Big Bang Featuring Miley Cyrus (Official Music Video)

So i randomly stumbled upon this video...and now i love this song...and the video is pretty strong...but i hate how the song is only 2 minutes long...hate it when good songs are so short...i can't stop listening to it now....fuck arghhh

Jessie J- Who You Are (Lyrics)

Songs like this lets you know that its okay not to be okay....

Brisk Iced Tea - Eminem Outtakes

HAHAHAH HE CRACKS ME UP....:D:D:D:D....

Eminem - Brisk Super Bowl Commercial 2011

AWWWWW EMINEM IS SO CUTE.....I LOVE HIM...EMINEM RULES!!!

Confidence?

Its going to be about a month give or take from the last time i talked to him. I don't know if it bothers me that he hasn't contacted me, or if the fact that i can live without hearing from him in any form. hmmm...see now that is a question that i can't seem to put my finger on...but i guess this is life, and i really that some where in the corner of his mind he realizes that he missed a good person in his life....i ain't boasting about myself or anything but i know i could of done justice to his life...and it honestly does suck for him....damn i feel so cocky saying this but hey i can't help but not say it...and regardless to say i ain't regretting what i said so i guess if saying that makes cocky i am cocky...oh boy...it was funny a few days ago at work two my co-workers and i were just talking about boyfriends and how we should get one and stuff there much older then me but yeah...and some how the topic of confidence came into the conversation...and i was telling them how i have low self esteem when it comes to my looks and they were shocked...mind you i ain't no supermodel here...i'm just an average girl...and i'm being dead honest here...and they were like that ain't true...why do you feel that way and i was like i don't know i just do...and they were saying how confidence i present myself...one of them said how when she started working here for the first time..out of everyone she felt i was the most confident and comfortable i was in my skin...and i was like hmmm....it was just so weird...and this was the first time i ever heard that from someone...and i was like oh...lolz...she like your so independent and everything i was like i know i'm independent but when it comes to look my self esteem is pretty low...and the other one was like how at the Christmas party when i walked by in heels she thought how confident i walked by and stuff...i guess hearing from a different person felt good..just to know that i present myself as that...but i guess no matter what anyone says i'm always going to feel that way...just because i felt like that all my life...i don't think i'll just be that feeling just go...i remember in december my friends and i were getting ready to go to the club and i got ready...and i kept telling my friend how hot i looked...and she kept saying how cocky i was sounding cause i kept saying that throughout the night till the club...but deep inside i only knew how much i was just it...how mere words it was coming out of my mouth...and how much i didn't mean each of those words...its pretty sad...how i still feel that way...but i guess i got the confidence i need in the department of independency...and at the end i guess thats what really counts!

Selena Gomez RAPPING

She is so cute....omg...i gotta give it up to her on this one...seriously!!!

Avril Lavigne - What The Hell

SO personal :D...I have to dedicate this song to my friend who reads my blog :)

WHAT THE HELL: GO HAVE FUN!

Horrific :|

So last night i had two dreams. One of which was really extreme and another being just really stupid and awkward. So the second dream was about matthew mcconaughey. He was married to the girl from wedding planner and was very unhappy about his marriage. Meanwhile i'm on a trip with at this cottage with my family and external families. I was just one of those girls who were living my life at the cottage. Until he came and sat next me and we started talking and he was telling me how he wasn't happy with his marriage life. And i was like if your not happy then let her go and move on with your life. Life is about being happy it ain't worth being miserable. And i gave him a huge speech. this was happening while we were sitting on a hill with the cottage behind us. And in front of me was a beautiful lake, and the sun was setting. It was beautiful. Anyways he was convinced about what i said and he was going to break it off. And in a snap shot there was jessica sarah parker in my dream. With the same problem and i told her the same thing i told him. If your unhappy let them go and move on. And i was telling someone else, how everyone is going to think i'm just a bitter single who likes to go around breaking up relationships. But i was like that ain't even my logic. I just think people need to be happy with who they are with. And happy with the life they chose for themselves. You only live once and you gotta make it worth while as much as possible. So then it was another day. Him and i were at the porch of the cottage and he comes and tells me how he left his wife. And how relived and happy he was. And i was like thats really good. And he started coming closer and i didn't move. [but then again why would i. Its MATTHEW. He is a total hunk!!]. And he puts his hands on my hip [hehehe] and his touch give me a wonderful tinkling feeling through out my entire body. Yet again this was happening at sunset. And i had my hands on his abs like about put push him away. And i was just looking at him. Cause he was a lot taller then me. But then i had to leave cause my mom came and called me saying that we were leaving to go home. And i was all like OOHHH....and he just didn't want to let me go. And i had to go. It was so sad. HAHAHA what a dream. However i wish that happens in real life with the guy i'm meant to be with. Because that feeling i had on the porch felt so comfortable and warm. That feeling of being belonged. And that feeling that someone wanted me and wanted me to belong to them felt really nice. But yeah.

So the First dream was like OMG!. It was pretty scary. What was really fucked was i knew i was scared and i knew the situation was closing in on me, and i knew i needed to wake up soon because it was to hard to face but i kept telling myself lets see how this ends and i let myself keep dreaming. So basically my family and my external families were at a hotel for a trip or something. And we all having a blast. And there for some family members sitting on the couches in the lobby and chilling. And this chinese guy with his gang comes and starts shooting my family members. I'm not sure if my mom and dad were there but yeah. And i'm pissed scared now, because i see blood everywhere, it was such a horrific scene to see, omg. I quickly run to my little cousins and tell them to go run and hide and they go. I found the chinese guy's blind spot and quietly ran out from the sidelines. And then i see a MacD. And i run into the place and ask to use the phone. And they give it to me and i call 911 and just about say that how there is a at the hotel killing people, he walks into the place. So i drop the phone and hide on the side. And he walks in shows the gun and tells the cashier to empty the register. And they do as they are told. It was weird how he had the gun covered by rag bag. But yeah and he looks around the place and it was empty. And at this point i'm shitting my pants because i was scared he was going to see me. But somehow he leaves. And at this point i'm running back to the hotel and i feel that i got my period and i was telling myself to fuck it because i don't got time to put on a pad. And i was wearing jean shorts and i can see blood seeping through the jeans. It was so uncomfortable and gross, but at that point all i wanted was to survive. As i was going to the hotel i felt like he saw me. So i run faster to the hotel and eventually i reach there and i see all my family lying there dead and blood running from there bodies. And i was going to run into a room, when he hollas at me and i froze!. I was like oh fuck this is it, i'm going to die and i turn around and he like who are you and i'm like just a person who is staying at the hotel. And he stares at me and i was scared that he was going to realize that i was lying and that those are my family. It felt like he was actually after killing my family only. So after careful analyzing me, he tells me to get my family and get out of here. And i'm like alright and i run to the back and find my room. And then i woke up in real life and was like wdf :|. I still had that slight fright in my body but barely. But it was one fuckked up dream. I wish i can find a dream interpretation on this but its hard to figure out what exactly i'm going to search. But yeah.

So it has been two weeks since i last talk to him. I have heard nothing from him nor do i know if he ever comes online because i don't go online either no more. Just because i don't want to be online and see him online it will just bother me. So i decided it was best that i didn't go online altogether. I still think about him here and there but it ain't like it use to be, nor do i think about him with the feelings of what i once had for him. So i guess in that sense its a good thing. I do miss his sweet talk, and the attention i got from him. But hey that ain't everything to life now. So yeah.

On the level of school there is just so much that needs to be done. I have been good with doing my assignments ahead of time at least a day earlier then when its do. I just have to catch up with my reading. So i needed to buy a textbook online at amazon so with that i decided to buy another book which is called "to kill a mockingbird". This book is such an old classic, and everyone makes reference to it and it is still studied about in english classes so i wanted to read it. And i actually started i put my autobiography on portia on hold for this book. Lolz. So my parents said yes to my trip for montreal for my reading week and i even purchased the ticket so its more real now. I can't wait to go on the trip as much as i am counting down the days i also don't want to. Because from now till the trip there is so much to be done and after the trip half the semester is done and the second half is harder then the first half so i'm not looking forward to it but montreal will make worth while!!

Dear Bully

Dear Bully,

This is probably the last time i'm going to write a letter. You may wonder what i'm talking about when i say last letter, this is what it means, i have written millions of letters inside my mind telling you how i feel, what i want, and what this is doing to me. However i never have sat down and written it out. Why? I don't know. Maybe writing it out makes it more real then writing it in my mind. Or maybe writing it in my mind is better because it is easy to erase when things between you and I get better. Because that is what i keep doing. When i sit there and write a letter to you in my mine while i try to fall sleep, and next day i talk to you and everything seems so good between us, i erase it. I erase it to the point where you will never detect that i ever wrote one. But then again things go back to how it is and boom i write another letter. But this time i'm making it real. I'm making it so real that i am writing it out, this way i can't erase it, i can only look back and be like i wrote it because i'm done with it. I'm done with this game you and i have been playing for years. I know i didn't even it my all, i know i have things to blame for what is happening between us. If i was as adamant as i make myself to be i would of pushed and pushed until we met, i would of pushed and pushed until you called me frequently or at least fucking once! But i never did any of that, because deep inside just like how you felt i felt it to. That if things were to happen it will happen. What we share is nothing more then words, and don't you deny it. Yes our words may be as faithful and honest as it gets, but that truly isn't enough both you and i and you know that. We also know that both our lives are different. We even agreed upon it. Then why is that we keep fooling our self that things will become better, things will change, you and i will change. Clearly if we couldn't do it in the last 1 year, what guarantee is there that we will change this year, or next. We clearly are wasting our words on each other with no worth. I know there are faults at my end, but at the same time i tried, i tried in many ways, and you know that to. I am as patient as i can be. Trying to let you become someone of who you want to be proud off. I've let you try to make this better, I've let you change yourself to prove me that you want this as bad as you say you do. Every time i tried to end it, you would tell me how important i am to you and how you will change, and then be like if you don't care then i don't want to care either. And every FUCKING time you say that it boils my blood, cause i ain't the type of person to walk out of someone who cares for me, nor am i the type of person who walks away from someone i care about. If you know me well enough you would know that i gave up my entire highschool life for someone because they said the same fucking line as you did. And i was trapped in that life just to prove to them that i ain't walking out on them because i did care. And what happened at the end i had to walk away because the person who said i didn't care was the liar, because the truth was they didn't care about me. I should of been saying that line all along. And i swore to myself that i wouldn't get myself in a situation like that again. And clearly i broke my promise to myself. Because i see those same lines being thrown right back at me. But this time things are going to change. I ain't going just be in this and hope to prove to you that i care about you and what we should or could of have. Because i'm pretty sure i'm the one who is going to get hurt at the end. I ain't making the same mistake twice. I want to tell you that i'm leaving, not because i don't care, but because i do. I care that i want to be sane, i care bout who you become but i also know that you have so much self discovery to do. And i don't want to be in the way. Not like i am. Because i ain't even in your life. I'm only floating in your imagination. I'm only alive in your life when I FUCKING MESSAGE YOU, WHEN I FUCKING TEXT YOU, and god damn it if i was to have CALLED, that would of be something I WOULD OF DONE too. Seeing that i only keep myself alive in your life, i'm going to kill myself off. If i don't MESSAGE YOU, if i don't TEXT you, i ain't alive in your life no more. I ain't present in your life. And with all that said i'll be out of your life. You may think about me all you want. You may sleep with me in your thoughts. You may think about me at the end of the day every day. I don't care. Because at the end of the day I don't know that. Because you don't come and tell me that. I have to get it out of you, after I message you. With all that said, please explain to me how this is fair to me. Why should i just keep hoping that you will change when clearly you don't. If you want to change on your own pace then go do it. I'll be one of the few people who would actually genuinely be happy for you. But at the same time i will only be attached to you through friendship. And i'll be happy for you through friendship. Because anything more and i would become a pusher and i don't want to be like that. I want to leave that pusher behind. I would be there to be a friend, and i would be there to advice and give you a shoulder when you need it. But at the end of the day i will be your friend. I am sick of feeling like an idiot, i'm sick of feeling stupid and i'm sick of feeling like i lost my dignity. I sicken by the thought i lost all this for my wishful thinking that you would change. That you would try. That you would change every time you give me that wonderful FUCKING speech of yourself. Slowing as the days go by the thought of you is vanishing as that special boy feeling i have for you. The thought of you being that someone i like is not there no more. And i'm drifting away. Funny how you told me to not drift away and when you said that i thought you grabbed that rope to the log that i was floating away on. And i honestly thought you were going to pull me in. But clearly my thought was wrong because from the looks of it, your letting the rope slowly slip away from your hand. At the end if you don't catch that last piece of rope in your hand, that rope is going to be lost in the water forever. To think that you still have a piece of rope in your hand is pretty sad after everything that has occurred. But hey i'm a person who fucking CARES, thats why the rope in your hand was long. But at the end, the rope is only a certain length. I am a strong independent woman. I have proved that to myself and to most of everyone around me. And i ain't ever going to let a guy weaken that. And for some time you did weaken it. And i felt ridiculous about it. But i'm putting a stop to that. I'm putting an end to that feeling. At the end of the day if you want me, you better smarten up and be an independent strong man. Be someone you can be proud of. Because when you can be proud of yourself, everyone else can be proud of you as well. And right now, both you and i know that you don't feel that about yourself. And with that you work on that without worrying about me. Because at the end of that day, i want to fall in love with that type of guy, not a guy who keeps saying things but not accomplish it. You may read this letter and be like what a bitch! But look at this way I want you to be successful, i want you to accomplish your goals that you talked to me about, i want you to get that phd. that you wanted, and i want you to be that person who doesn't have to feel like bad or depressed about themselves or the the life that have create thus far. One thing about life is that there is always a second chance. And with you, you have a second chance you have that opportunity to succeed and make a difference in your life, make a huge difference to the point that people forget what who you once were. But i guess right now thats all i can say because this is what i want for you but i don't know if you want that too because you ain't doing anything about that. I remember how you told me how you made a special commitment to two special women in your life that in January you would be in university, one of which was me and another being your mother. But clearly that isn't the case cause in january you are the same person you were last year. Yes i understand that things took a fall with your health, but at the same time i'm pretty sure that you wouldn't be in that situation if you fixed yourself earlier to that. Anyways i think i said more then enough to why i think we need to go away from this relationship that we created with each other and go back to being friends. And if that is difficult for your accept, then i guess we can go our separate ways as well. But please do understand that i like you, and my feelings for you were completely true. Not for a second did i EVER lie about that. But at the same time i can't be in a wishful relationship and hope things will change day after day when i don't see it. You make a name for yourself and you become that person you can be proud of and maybe then we can see to fix what we had.

Don't ever forget that i'm always here for you! And i will always CARE about you. You have that special spot in my heart that i don't think will ever fade!

Ps: If only you can read this!

Love,

Thanuka

A Talented Father-Daughter Duo!

She is such a DOLL...but omg...she can get a bit ANNOYING...near the end...she gets a whole load of barbie and she is more focused around saying hi an jumping around....:|

diverting

What i feel is no where to what a person who had a real relationship feels...after all my situation is intangible in many ways...and i learn to accept that...once a upon a time...it was everything i ever wanted to think about...it was everything i wanted to put my energy into...to something that i could not touch...but it was felt...built up with many hopes and dreams....with all the 'what ifs' but now i know what it is...and i came to accept what it is...it was around this time where i was getting back in contact with him last year...it was around this time where the feelings were slowly sparking without fully coming out...that thrill of playing hiding go seek was amazing and i honestly enjoyed every minute of it...and i have to say i wish i still had that going rather then what i have now...now it is just way to complicated and way to uneasy to deal with...it sucks though he does not see it that way....but i guess it really doesn't matter...what he thinks...i realize how much he does not fit me as an other half...as much as i can see everything on that blank paper...that isn't blank any more cause it is filled with all the truth...but in my head i still see the blank paper...which i hope to fill with what i want...rather then to what it truly says on that paper that i am hiding...there is still the burning urge to contact him...and to talk to him...to have him in my life...even if its not as it use to be...i still want his presence...its like how i am with my friend who isn't much of a friend no more...we only contact each other on occasions to wish each other...and that is as far it gets...but with him i fear that if i was to cut ties...i'll lose him all together...and that is what hurts the most...he is one person i am able to talk to...about things i love...like music and movies and anything else...and he has an input for it all...it is hard to find someone like that...cause no one is that versatile....the other day i watched two movies...one being forrest gump and the other being welcome to the relieys forrest gump was a movie he recommended me to watch and the welcome to the relieys is a movie he wanted to watch...and that movie is something not everyone would want to watch...heck i wasn't even interested into it until he mentioned it to me...and thats when i was like kk let me see it for myself as well...hmmm ...but at the same time you can't just not face the truth...because you like the little things about the situation...however with our last conversation i realized how much he has to change...and how much he still has to accomplish in his life...and i'm not a pusher...or at least i try to not be a pusher...and i know if i was to get with him...i would have a hard time not being a pusher...just because i want him to succeed....and i would hate his current position in life...and me trying not to be a pusher...and just stay out of his business will only aggravate me...and i don't want to be in a relationship where i'm going to be aggravated all the time because he ain't straightening up his life...and i ain't also going to get into a relationship where i'm going to live of wishful thinking...on the basis that he will change his life around...and that he will start smartening up...if i'm going to get into a relationship i should already see all that happening...so that i know that in the future...he has the will power to make things happen rather then just speak about it...with all that...i haven't talked to him in a week...nor have i come online...i just want my space from him...i just want to see what i really want...and maybe in the time we don't talk...there is changes in his life...that is worth wild...and maybe not...but right now i realized that it is best for me is to not be around his presence.... but because of that i think i'm starting to focus on my school work a little better just because i don't want to think about any of that stuff so i try to divert my thoughts away from him and onto something else...and i also believe that i am focusing on school more because i realized even more then before how stupid it is not to focus on your education by looking at him...i can only point and tell him what he is doing wrong in education if i'm perfect in it...and i do want to be an example that i can pin him against so that he realizes that when i leave it wasn't my fault it was his...his lousiness to actually act on his words...to act on what is important in life....to act like a mature person...and to stop making up excuses to why he can't focus...if your depressed then don't just sit there all the time and think about it...i mean yes it is nice to bum around a few days just to collect yourself but at the same time it shouldn't be a permanent fixture...and through my eyes i feel as though that is what i see about him...i can only say that because i've been through it...and i was depressed for reasons that i was not able to fix...or didn't know how to fix it or had the support to fix it...just because it was more based on emotions and self-esteem...unlike his...where its more based on things he can fix....he sits there thinking about how he wasted his life...and how fuckked up he is...and how he went to jail and how he got convicted and how miserable it is...and how his uncle died...how he doesn't have an education and how he should be graduating school right now ...instead of trying to enter it...from everything i said...he has the will and opportunity to fix it all...and with his uncle....death is a natural process of life...yes it hurts that your life is going on without them...but its going right...so why cling onto someone who no longer is there...they are happy where they are...and you should be happy where you are...it was just meant for them to go at that time...however i ain't trying to be a bitch about it or anything but i'm just saying everything is in his hands to fix and he ain't doing anything about it to fix it rather then loaft around...and fuck his life even more...but yeah...so i decided on what i wanted...and yes i'm having a hard time coming to terms with it...but i do know what i'm doing is much needed and it is what is best for me right now...the only question i have for myself that i haven't answered is

"if he texts or contacts me in any form...do i reply or do i not?"

No matter how many times that you told me you wanted to leave.
No matter how many breaths that you took you still couldn't breathe.
No matter how many nights that you lied wide awake to the sound of the poison rain.

Where did you go? Where did you go? Where did you go?

Blurry

Life just doesn't feel the same...it just seems so different...and i don't know if its me or if its just things around me...but at the heart of it all i guess my vision is just blurry...with everything going by so fast around me i just can't seem to stand still and capture one thing...because at one glance i need to take in as much as possible because at the second glance i need to capture everything that is different from the first glance...i don't even know if i make sense in what i am saying...but i'm saying something...my life seems so dull...so empty...so unreal...everything just seems to be so out of place and uncomfortable...i almost feel uncomfortable to be in my own skin...i don't even know how to explain what i feel...it just seems so off...i just want to start all over...i mean most people wont get what i'm going through...because to the eyes everyone my life seems normal...i got my parents who love me...i have a beautiful home over my head....and i have school....which i'm doing pretty good in...i have great friends who have been with me through thick and thin...and i have social friends who i can hang out with...so really what more is that i need...and to answer that question i don't know...and no it ain't that special "love" from that special "someone" because i took that route...at least half way through and i realized that it isn't for me...because i'm not ready for that kind of commitment...and nor am i ready to babysit someone either...so then what is that i want...what is that is making my life seem so dull...what is that is making me feel as though something isn't right in my life...maybe i'm just making this feeling up...because i ain't happy with something...but is it that i ain't happy about...when everything is as normal as it gets...what is that i'm seeking for...damn it i hate it how i'm doing this to myself...everyday its the shit of life...wake up...go to school...go to work....do hwk....do something but nothing is ever different...nothing ever feels normal deep inside...nothing ever seems at peace...why?????....i wanted to get a tattoo...this month...but i came to he realization i'm shit broke...most of my money this month is going to pay of my visa...and then to the textbooks for school...after that i have a million other things that i need purchase for the month like tickets...and food and god knows what else...then i have my trip next month that i need money for...so i need to put aside money for that...and next month i'm only working for one day of the week...just because i have school on sat...so now its like blahh...cuz damn it that is my only source of income...what is that i can do....maybe i'm just thinking to much about life...i'm in university...i should chill out and just take life as it goes...instead of thinking to much and complicate my life unnecessary...hmmm anyways back to homework!

Ellen Is Nominated for a Dance Award!

Her dancing career started off from her show and now she got a chance to dance on "so you think you can dance" and now she is even nominated...now that is some funny shit...what is that ellen can't do!!!!

awkward feeling

argh...i hate waking up with this feeling that something isn't right...as like i forgot something in my dream...or that i didn't hold on something a bit longer...this weird feeling...i hate going to sleep with dissatisfaction of the day ending...because it creeps up in your dreams....and then it ends up coming into the next day and ruins that day...because now you can't shake away that feeling that something isn't right...but in fact everything is probably more then perfect that day...just to my eyes and my emotions something just doesn't fit...so last night mine and his conversation ended up at a bad note...well not really a bad note...but just uncomfortable as i was asking him about what he has done for the year...seeing that he was so big on making changes for the new year...and he kinda was like "if you don't mind i'll make the changes at my own pace"...and i was like "with do all respect go for it...i ain't specifically telling you what you should do...i was just wondering what you did thus far" and he goes i would like to make my changes when it sees fit for me...and i was like alright...i'm like this conversation is getting to personal...i'm going to go and we just said a simple bye and just left...it was so weird...hmmm but yeah it was just off and man i'm just horrible at this feeling shit...i tried...i really did try to clear path and open my emotions but fuck that shit...ever time i get close to letting my emotions out it just gets weird and i'm repelled by the thought that i just run the opposite direction...it fits me perfectly and i'm happy with that! I LIKE KEEPING MY OWN EMOTIONS AND I WANT TO KEEP IT TO MYSELF REGARDLESS OF HOW DAMAGING IT IS TO MY HEALTH!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOLLYWOOD IDOL

In the first video at 4.21 and onwards just for like 30seconds or so...the way he looks with that tooth pick and the way he dances and winks...OMG i can watch it over and over and get turned on by it...argh he is such a turn on...there is nothing about him that isn't a turn on...the way he looks at you...the way he looks with no shirt...the way he dances....the way he smiles...OMG what is there that you can't love about him...there are few celebrities that i am obsessed on a normal basis...One of which is EMINEM...and another is HRITHIK ROSHAN and ADAM LEVINE lastly DHANUSH...all three men are my idols that DEARLY keep to the HEART!...no matter where they go or what they do...i'm there to support them...OH man....i put this movie off for so long so i can save the best for last...and i did and i watched it today...and OMG what a love story...although it has a sad ending...it was amazing...to know that language isn't a barrier when it comes to love...and the love they share...and what they did for each other at the end...oh dear god...even if his movie's story line is shit...he always gives his 100% acting towards it...and you can see it...when he cries oh dear god...he can make you cry...every muscle in his face moves and aches as though he truly is crying...see that is what you call acting...DAMN IT....and the second video is just him dancing...what a DANCER he is...i would love to have a dance with him!

I don't get it!

Why am i fucking forcing this...why am i pushing this...why is it that i don't feel anything any more...i don't get what the fuck is happening to me...i don't get how i can be so crazy in thoughts of this guy and to now not feel the same way i use to...does that mean what i felt was not real...or strong enough...what does this mean...fuck man...so i was talking to him...and he is still in lala land with me...and i can't give him back what he wants...and hurts me to see that i can't do it...it hurts to know that i'm not as happy as i was once when i talked to him compared to how i feel now...fuck man!...i don't know why i'm beating myself up over this...but argh...i forgot what i said...but he goes so you don't love me anymore:(...and i laugh and i go i never loved you to begin with...and he like i know...but you will...like wdf does that suppose to me...like argh...fuck man!!!....and we were talking about something and he goes i give up...and i go as always...and he goes well if i give up...we wouldn't be talking right now...in your face sucker....and i start laughing and i go...funny how you say that when ummm lets see...i msg you often and i txt you as well....and he goes im working on that...so i go so who's face is it really in...and he laughs and i go yeah thats what i thought and he goes you always put a smile on my face....and i'm sitting there going i wish you did the same for me in that warm and fuzzy way...because right now i smile towards you as a friend...as not that person who likes you....hmmm this is fucked...i wanted to talk to him today and tell him how i really felt...what i really wanted and what i expected...cuz watching my tamil drama i realized how much more i expect out of a relationship and how much i expect out of the guy i fall in love with....and he is no where near what i want...and i don't want to settle for less...because deep down inside i believe i deserve at least half of what i expect...and i don't want to over look all the major flaws in this...for the small short term satisfaction i'm getting out of him now...it just isn't worth it!

Cute couple

i watch two Tamil dramas....one of which i'm very updated with and another i let it collect ( i get dvds to watch them)...just because the last episode i watched was so painful and i knew that the next episode would be even more painful...i just piled it up...and today i decided to catch up...and luckily it changed for the good and it is going pretty good now...but omg that couple in that story makes me want to be in a relationship so badly just because they are so cute....lolz...oh man....the things i get excited over lolz...but yeah...i had a nice and relaxing bath today...i even took a small nap in the tub...i haven't done that in a while...just to be home alone...and just be underwater and hear nothing but your own thoughts...its much needed from time to time...to help keep you sane...just being home alone is relaxing itself...no one telling you what to do...or other noises from other people in the house...just you and yourself and the noise you make...as creepy as it may sound..its nice...oh man i start school on sat...this is going to be a tough semester...just because its different courses i'm not use to...i'm a bit nervous...and i have this strategy course this semester...which has been said that it is the hardest course in my program...so i'm worrying about that a bit...but i'm hoping i pull through...i need to get good marks like i did last semester...i can't afford to get any more bad marks...or any marks below B....but yeah....hmmm life is just so blah right now...but what can i say its only the 5th day of the new year...i'm just so curious to know what this year has stored for me....deep inside there is this excitement inside me...i don't get why though...but its there and its just so weird...hmmm but yeah...but i guess as the year unfolds itself...i will find out...argh i hate how i have so many thoughts and 'what if' scenarios going through my head...i don't get why i'm keep letting my imagination run so wild...i just don't get that...i also hate how i'm such a strong person to those who need a shoulder to lean on...but i can't be that strong person for myself....i can't be that person i can lean to for myself...nor can i open up to someone else...so that i can lean on the shoulder of someone who is willing to give theirs to me...i don't just get myself...why do i make myself feel so complicated...why can't i just be a normal...to the degree of my feelings...

21st floor

So..its the new year...they say every year is a fresh start and you get to start all over again..but the truth is that you can never start over...you can only start fresh for the year...as in do something new...do something different from previous years...our life is like a building when we are born we create the foundation of the building...each year after that is the floor of the the building...so i'm going to be building my 21st floor this year...[[yes now you know my age]]...what this floor holds i have no idea...how i'm going to decorate this floor is the surprise of this year...but from a year from now i would be able to tell you how decorated it...my 20th floor was alright...i finished it well in the education department...however i didn't do so well in the love department...not like i have a big department for it...i still remember it was my 19th floor that he came out of jail...and it was my 20th floor that i had to deal with him...to look back and see how much endured with this guy over the last year is so sad...to think i invested this much time into a guy i don't know ....and for a guy who barely spent any time with me either...well i have to give him credit for summer...because for about 4 months we talked everyday...with casual missing days...but then it died out...and now i don't even know where i am no more...but i do know that it ain't the same no more...it just doesn't feel like it use....and mentioned it to him and i told him i'm drifting away...and he was so convincing on how he will fix it and how he doesn't want to lose me...but at the end of the days its just all through words...he can't even commit through the words he speak let alone act it out...my manager wishes me for the new year by wishing me to find true love...as soft and nice it sounds...the truth that i'm going to find it is pretty slim...i know i'm to young to say that i give up on my love life...and i know i'm partially to blame in the sense that i don't go out and socialize for me to actually find a guy...nor do i ever try to impress the guys when i go out...in my eyes as long as i look decent...in the sense that i'm clean and smell good...and look presentable...i really don't care...i mean there are girls who go out of there way to look so wonderful and beautiful...and at the end of the day they get the guys...and people like are just a invisible...its like i can walk by the guys and they wont see me...instead the probably look through me and look at beautiful girl right behind me...lolz i really can't complain either because i don't try..maybe if i try...i may come on the radar...the outer radar of course...but at least on the radar...is it not just so sad that in a girl's life...being looked upon by guys makes or breaks her self-esteem...i mean every girl would be like oh guys don't matter...who cares what guys think...i don't have to dress to impress them...but at the end of the day...when a guy does look at that girl...deep very deep inside there is this satisfaction...this boost of self-confidence inside them...and thats in every single girl who go for the opposite sex...and this concept works for homosexual as well only difference its the same sex rather than the opposite...hmmm my life goal is to be those powerful woman in a company that everyone looks up to...they would look at me in the sense of...wow she is an independent strong confident woman...who knows how to deal with life in the sense of work...but will i accomplish that? i wouldn't know...maybe i would get married and never get that opportunity...or maybe i will...but at the cost of something really important like love...who knows...i just know that before i get married i need my own savings account...that i can rely on...just for whatever my life holds for me...i learned to earn my own money...because i put my sweat to into each dollar i earn and i do not want to give that up to someone who just walks into my life...there are just some mistakes i learned from other's relationship...and one of which is to have your own savings account...just for emergency...you'll be surprised how helpful it will become in the future...some of the goals i want to accomplish for this year is

1) get some volunteer hours

2) start saving money for myself

3) start saving money for my friend's wedding :| [life has finally come to the point that my friends are getting married or starting to plan there weddings...but i haven't even been in one relationship :|...talk about a SAD PATHETIC life..]

4) pamper myself when needed

5) look somewhat respectable to be on the radar of those men

6) meet a potential NEW guy in my life [[it would be a bonus if he's white :p]]

7) Excel in my education [[standard goal of each year]]

8) look for a job [[maybe...its not a must but it would be nice]]

9) try to be more organized [[in many different departments]]

10) Learn more about fashion [[subscribe to a good fashion magazine...]]

it would be amazing if i could accomplish all of this by the end of the year...but even if i can accomplish one of these 10 goals i think i would be happy...but i shouldn't put myself down that low...i should strive to achieve all 10...however 6 would be really an accomplishment...haha...to think that my friends consider dating sites for me makes me feel so Sad...its like those women who have such busy life that don't have social life...and that ain't even my case...there is just so much to do now...i have a year and a half left before i enter the real world...hopefully with God's blessing i find a really good job some where in this nation...and start my life...i really hope that i get everything i struggled for in school to get...